My personal experience, unresolved, trying to figure myself out


My personal experience, unresolved, trying to figure myself out
First off I want to say I have Asperger's (or low level ASD as the new criteria calls it).

So I'm not sure if this is Alexi or not.

Most of the tests I take seem fake, like, I can't really be certain about the answers I give. I try my best but in the end I feel like I've cheated the system or been biased

Aside from that, I'm a relatively high-strung person. I can be pretty energetic at times. Does this go against the flow of Alexithymia? Is that even what you would call it?

I can be sad. I can identify sadness. Stuff like that. I also have moments where I can't tell what emotion I have, but it doesn't matter because it's not like I'd tell anyone anyways. I NEVER share emotional information with people face-to-face. I find it much too difficult to talk about, as in, I'm awkward about it. It never really showed itself to me until now, I didn't really understand that NEVER discussing emotions might be kind of, bad? I'm not sure. Either way, I really want to understand myself more than anything. It took a bit to realize this but I'm slowly doing so, in my own way, I guess.

So I guess that's what this is about. Now let's see if I can just pin down my train of thoughts into something legible.

I'm a 17 year old boy living in a rural community in Texas. I've been an outcast essentially all my life, and I know to partially attribute it to Asperger's but I know that might not be all. I recently learned about this, condition(not the right word)? When I met someone. I won't go into details but it captivated me because I saw myself in them. I realized that I can struggle with the same things often, albeit to a lesser degree.

So I embarked on a short quest, to learn about myself. I don't know why I'm doing this, it's stupid. It doesn't affect me. But I'm doing it anyway and I've already written a considerable amount so I might as well keep writing.

I realize that, it's probably not Alexi. I took a test, I don't remember what score I got, but supposedly it was "high alexi". I didn't really buy that. It felt like I was lying to the test the whole time, because every answer I gave to these questions, I was so uncertain about I felt bad for saying anything other than "undecided".

And questions, like daydreaming. I daydream all the damn time. I'm not supposed to, though, by Alexi standards, so it might not be that.

But I still have experience with the isolation. I guess I can really book on that, sort of. I know what it's like to some degree. I'm a very, very non-emotional person, whether it's because I can't recognize them.

I only get sometimes I can't recognize emotions, I guess. Sometimes I feel like a mix between sadness and anger and I just want to clench my jaw and lash out at everything but I'm not mad at anything because there's nothing to be mad at. That's the only one I can think of that happens a lot. And when people get mad at me I get pretty flustered, not because I'm scared I just can't think of what I should say to those things.

It confuses me though, because I feel as if, if I had the proper vocabulary, I could sidestep the problem of occasionally not being able to put my problems into words. (Again, not that I ever would).

My inability to self-assess makes me ask for help in this matter. I don't know anyone that could help me assess myself, though. And I'm obviously too biased to do it myself. So maybe it'll just be a mystery. I should move on, I know my weaknesses and that's all I should need to know.

Anyway, I just hope some people here can understand what that feels like, or say, like, "Yes, I felt like that too", so I can get a little more guidance and hopefully more concrete evidence that, yes, I do indeed have an issue.

ALEXITHYMIA .us .org .com .info Terms/Impressum [17:47:42]:UID:
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Alexithymia - emotional blindness - is a personal trait which affects roughly 10% of the population.

Alexithymia describes the difficulty of people to perceive and describe emotions of others and themselves. Most persons concerned are not aware about this deficit and usually they are just recognizing it in contact with others, especially close friends, within their family or their partner.

These pages should deliver additional information about Alexithymia and offer information for affected persons, relatives and generally interested people.