Non Alexi looking for insight and advice
I could make this terribly long, but for the sake of everyone here I'll make it short.
He took the test, and scored very high. I know he should get a diagnose by a doctor, but he fits 80% of Alexi traits. I love him, and I want to be the best um friendly friend I can be.
I have loved this person since I was 11 years old, and I'm 21 now. We grew up together, and over time I have come to love them unconditionally. I've known for a very long time they struggled with emotions, and I had a hero complex that I could fix it, or help them fix it. In the past 10 years we would get incredibly close, and they would always push away. After time we would find our way back to each other, and it happens endlessly.
Recently I pushed them away completely, and he ended up wanted to talk about it. WHAT. I knew the whole conversation was terrible for him, but he did it for me.
Here are my questions
1) Do you feel a negative emotion/feeling/anxious when you know you lack the ability to fulfill other peoples emotional needs? Would it be helpful to remind them of how positively they impact my life?
2) Would it be helpful to ask questions in a less emotional way? Example: instead of "how do you feel about...." I could use "What are your thoughts on..."
3) Do you think its possible for an Alexi to hold meaningful relationships?
4)Is it foolish to think I make him feel something? Even writing that I feel my hero complex rising. I know I can't be his hero, and I can't "fix" him, because he's not broken.
5) Do any of you want to feel love, and maybe you have felt something like it- so you hold on to that because at least it was something?
6) Is there variations of Alexi that do feel, just can't articulate it or verbalize it?
We're an odd pair. I call him my almost boyfriend, and I mean it. I've focused a lot of our relationship on what I need from him, but what does he need from me? He doesn't know, and I won't put him in an impossible position of trying to tell me, and ideas from people with similar experiences would be great.
1a) No. Thinking about that does make me sad, but I can only tell that from the way I'm behaving and what's occupying my thoughts.
1b) Yes. Make sure that you talk about tangible things as much as is practical.
2) I can't talk for your friend but to me both phrases mean the exact same thing. Go with whatever sounds more natural.
3) Yes, but the meaning would be different from yours. For me it's about having someone to share my life with, with whom I can do the things I can't alone.
4) It is not, because you do. He just doesn't know/understand it. :)
5) I think everyone would like that. The trouble is that it's part of a package which has lots of bad things too, and it's quite handy not having to worry about them!
6) Yes, this is "cognitive" alexithymia, as opposed to "affective". There's more here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Alexithymia/wiki/index
Thank you for being the person you are. It's good to know that there are people out there who are prepared to look past our limitations.
I really appreciate your response, it was very very helpful. :)
Also, that last part really meant a lot to me.
P.s. I re read my original post, and I realized I sound a tad illiterate haha thank you for looking past that.
If you look around a bit on this forum, I think you'll find that a lot of people do quite genuinely like their partner if they are in a relationship with them and seem to greatly fear losing them. I think it's definitely possible for a relationship. I think Alexithymia is something GREATLY dependant on the individual. Also, what was his score on the test? Roughly?
After we had a "heart to heart" so to speak, a tad deeper than ever before, he mentioned a lot of things I found interesting, like the sensations in the body he doesn't understand, and that he thinks he has feelings for me but isn't sure what that means, and that if he "wasn't this way" (his term) we would actually be together, rather than a sudo relationship. Amongst many other things he had already mentioned, Alexithymia hit it all on the head pretty well.
After I did some research I found the questionnaire. Trying to not make him uncomfortable talking about it more, I sent it too him, and he replied that he had a really high score, and changed the subject. I try not to pry, and let that kind of info come out on his terms.
So I don't actually know how high it was, other than "I scored really high."
The only part about him possibly being Alexi that bothers me, is that I know it bothers him, and he feels like there is something wrong with him. I'm not sure how to help, or if its one of the times I just let him pan it out as I support him.
Let it be known, I to have a tendency to be overbearing/ over involved with other people, so this is constant learning experience lol He also detached a bit after the conversation and me sending the questionnaire, so I think I pushed him a little too hard.
Yep, that sounds exactly like the cognitive type. I would say let it pan out, but then again I've never met either of you!