hello, it has recently come to my attention (through friends) that i may be suffering from Alexi.
in my earlier childhood i was a joyful and energetic kid that had a large group of friends, but myself and current friends have noticed that as ive gotten older (now a senior in HS and turning 18 later this year) that ive gotten more disconnected and "stoic".Over the years it has gotten harder for me to express myself and its hurting my school work (particularlly my english classes). before my friends had always said that i was sorta heartless and made jokes at the wrong time and its mostly true, but it wasnt until recently that i thought alexi may be the cause. over christmas break i found out a good friend of mine has severe depression and in the recent weeks we've gotten alot closer and we're thinking of getting in an relationship but we both know we arent quite ready for it.
it all started about 4 weeks ago near the beginning of january, we had become good friends and we played games together and talked over discord nearly everyday and when she would feel depressed i tried to commfort her but i never really knew how, it would take me almost 30mins to an hour trying to think of a response that would comfort her and not hurt her more, but it was difficult because i knew she was depressed but i didnt know how to make her feel happy because i didnt know what happy was. and a few days into january she had been talking alot about how she "couldnt take it anymore" that "the world has been cruel to me and i just cant go on" and i had begun feeling stressed and nervous because she was like this alot and while i was trying to think about what to do i see her completely get offf discord and steam and i panicked thinking she had gone and killed herself. i began having a panic attack and hyperventilating for about half an hour before i saw her get back on. because of this we've gotten really close and i recently found out she had a crush on me which sparked something deep inside me, like genuine happiness and love for someone for the first time in years.
but even with this its been hard for me because i want to help and comfort her but it just seems like she doesnt understand what im going through, about how hard it is for me to express emotion and how hard it is for me to understand her emotions. it feels like she thinks i dont care just because im not expressing emotions. sometimes i can express certian emotions like happiness or sadness but other times i just cant explain what im feeling.
i hope yall can understand what im trying to get at and im open to responses
Something about your post really resonated with me. (Which is not easy!) You do seem to be in a bit of a tangle at the moment. Whilst you are trying to figure out if you do have alexi your simultaneously trying to 'rescue' someone struggling with severe depression. Bear with me for a moment whilst we explore severe depression. You or no-one else is going to make this person feel better, not unless your administering very strong prescription medication and conducting long term therapy! This person must, I repeat must, take ownership of her illness/situation and remedy it for herself. There is no shortcut to getting well from severe depression. You can't just fall in love and miraculously recover, there is no magic pill, there is no one miracle therapy, there is however a long journey in self help, medication and therapies and, no, you can't do it for her.
You say that she doesn't understand your situation. Well of course she doesn't. I'm not satisfied she fully understands her own situation, otherwise she would certainly not be embarking on a relationship given her mental health status. Anyone who is depressed has very limited capacity to empathise with someone else's situation, there is simply too much going on in her head, and I'm not sure you should be expecting her to.
You don't say how you came to be aware that you are alexi. Did you diagnose yourself? Would it be beneficial for you to explore this with a therapist? My feeling is that you would be better guided by a counsellor/therapist. Right now you need good information and feedback, for your own mental health and self image. If you really want to help this girl then show her how a beneficial relationship with a good therapist can really help with self awareness and self image. It might be enough to prompt her into starting her own journey to recovery.
But ultimately, please don't try to be her hero, be your own.
God bless you and all the best.