12.03.2020 von hearthurian
Hi there! My name is Arthur and I only just found out about this whole alexithymia deal tonight while reading up on things. It’s very cool to be able to see something that represents me without suggesting I’m going to kill someone hahah (as I’d been previously looking into psychopathy bc that’s all I’d ever heard described about a lack of feelings!).
I’m a very outgoing person, I have intense anxiety that I take medication for because the only emotions I feel very well are embarrassment, frustration/anger, and distress. I’m a wonderful emotional chameleon, when I have the energy I can project out emotional responses all day! I’m actually very proud of this fact, I’m very observant and I love people and love to understand them. I have a fascination with psychology and characters as well (I’m a Creative Writing Major—a senior now! Graduating in the fall). My friends all typically very much love and appreciate me because I am so analytical that I learn as much as I can about them. Sort of to make up for my lack of emotional feelings toward people I value I like to give really considerate gifts based on a collection of information about them I’ve noticed over the course of knowing them.
I’m only insecure about my lack of feelings because of the understanding that these are what typically are described as the normal human experience, and as a writer I worry that maybe I am missing out on something that I cannot simulate in my mind, even in fantasy.
Also, despite being a writer and enjoying fantasy, my imagination on the daily is very practical and I have an intense separation between fantasy and reality. I can watch any movie and not actually care about the characters beyond how much I enjoy their personality and if I find them fun to watch on screen. My friend has severe empathy and it’s wild to me, I love watching her wig out about every little thing when we’re watching things together.
(Sorry if I’m rambling too hard, I am very into The idea that people might actually know wtf I’m talking about so I’m dumping all my recent thoughts here)
The main thing I think that separates me from most of what I’ve read about alexi is that I’m just insanely good at understanding people and their emotions and how what they’re experiencing affects them? But I think that is because I am so analytical and I have such a lack of my own emotions that I enjoy to just, observe others and note what makes them tick and how they respond to things. It’s more like a chain of cause and effect that I can follow mentally rather than me trying to empathize. I never ever imagine myself in someone’s shoes exactly, I always imagine THEM in their own shoes. Like “ok, my friend has had this happen to them. They have problems with xyz that leads to this which is why they’re acting this way.” It’s wild to me that empathy seems to be people trying to simulate the feelings for themselves! That’s so crazy. I would never do that because it just seems like causing myself emotional distress or burden when I can just think rationally about it and come to a better conclusion!
I’m always stuck on performing mode unless I’m really depressed or too worn out, so even right now I’m performing on this post with all my exclamation points. I love the idea of coming off as friendly and kind and it’s my ideal that I am a light to other people and that they can look to me for guidance and love, even if I can’t actually feel it, I have the choices to express whatever I feel might be close to it!
I am a big believer that I can do anything and be anything if I want to be. I like to think if I wasn’t depressed and had no motivation I would be really awesome and could do any skill and teach myself anything. I think I have the choice to be whoever I want and I’ve chosen to be a fun and inspiring person. I’m very curious to see if anyone else feels that their lack of emotion makes them feel like they have more control than others might? Does anyone else feel like they have the whole world before them and they get to pick and choose the traits they want to exemplify? Obviously on my bad days I revert to the basic shell that I am, but I really like the idea that I can adorn myself with any kind of personality I desire. I think if I wanted to I could wear personalities like clothing, but I feel that’s not “genuine” and I’m very focused on being the ideal of all of my favorite characteristics and values.
Again sorry for the ramble! I’m just so excited (logically speaking)!