Thema: Do you relate?

So I guess I have Alexithymia. I find it rather ironic that we say we "have" Alexithymia when it's more often than not defined as a personality trait rather than a diagnosis. It's so interesting reading other people's experiences on here, because I never thought anyone would relate to any of this. The way I mask and mirror others. The way it drives me INSANE when people ask how I'm doing, and NEVER having an answer because who in the world is supposed to know the answers to that question!! I first started my journey of discovery and trying to find out what was wrong with me, I looked up Psychopathy and Sociopathy. I thought I must be one of those because I just don't experience emotions. And for a 28 year old woman, being able to say I just don't experience emotions is absolutely insane.

I know that there are a few emotions I experience, such as anger and anxiety. But honestly those are the only two I can say with absolute certainty that I most definitely experience. Despite the fact that I know I have passion and interest in hobbies. I've been looking at and considering Alexithymia for over a month and just not really willing to say Yes I'm alexithymic. Ironically because I don't experience emotions and it seems as if I can't make a judgement call on whether or not I experience and categorize emotions when I don't really know what they're supposed to look like in the first place. I know for a fact that when it comes to emotional love, I never have and most likely never will experience this. I have Reactive Attachment Disorder and BPD. Severe neglect in infancy, then abuse throughout childhood and adolescence made it so I never developed the way I was supposed to. I have this intense need to be loved and accepted by a mother figure. Too bad my culture doesn't really allow for that. The only emotions I get to experience and their anger and the desire for motherly love (whatever the hell that's called, all I know is it hurts like hell and feels like my chest is being ripped out).

I try to explain to people how I'm feeling because I know that's normal... to actually know that stuff. But after I've explained how I'm feeling I still walk away going.... that's not right. I have no idea if that's accurate. And then sometimes it changes and I have to correct myself, which makes me look so incredibly foolish. I don't even experience embarrassment anymore, of course maybe that's a good thing. When the barista at my local coffee shop asks me how I'm doing today, I usually deflect. Today the answer was "What's up with all this snow!!", that way he can assume whatever he'd like. I never give actual answers. Usually something along the lines of, well I'm here!

I really want to be able to stop faking all the time. It frustrating. Turns out I might actually have emotions after-all, I just don't understand them, recognize them, or identify them. Which is really bad because they tend to build and become volatile. My anger has been more than my fair share of work to control well enough to just keep people safe. I broke my hand punching a cement wall, and on a separate occasion slit my wrist and needed 28 stitches. How was I supposed to know I was upset!

I got a 172 on the test. Do numbers even go higher than this? What is the realistic healing for this? Some emotions I genuinely don't experience, but most of them I just can't identify. Even anger I'm only able to identify because I end up hurting myself by cutting or becoming physically ill and nauseated. My new counselor is having me do an emotional journaling type thing. I'm a little scared to start because I'm gonna end up staring at a piece of paper with todays date and time and nothing else. Scariest thing in the world is just to look at that blank piece of paper and not have an answer.