Thema: Introducing myself

Hi Everyone,
For some time I have been saying "I am aware of physical changes in my body but I don't know what emotion to call them". So finding the term Alexithymia was - well I don't know how to describe how I felt!

I don't think I am autistic at all but one member of my extended family is "on the spectrum" and others score in the range on online tests so may have Asperger's. In other words we may have some genes floating around in the family.

I had a "happy?" childhood. Three siblings, no family break up or any significant problems. I have only recently found out that Alexithymia is a known condition so I have not talked about it with my siblings so I don't know if any of them recognise the condition in themselves.

As a child I remember that an icecream van drove around our rural area - maybe once a week - it played a happy tune to let us know that it was close and the other children got "excited" and ran up the drive to be ready for its arrival - I did not feel excitement so I used to say that I did not like icecream. I did not dislike icecream I was just not excited by it.

In my profile on dating sites I have written "I do not know what "Love" means unless it means that I want to continue to live with you" - even the "want" is probably an over statement. When I am with someone they are a known element of my environment. I "feel?" comfortable - I care about them in a theoretical kind of way - yet in another way I am aware of struggling people all over the world and have a sense of connection and "caring" about them too. As a teenager I often cried myself to sleep (or kept myself awake crying) thinking about "starving children in Africa".

After relationships ending - usually when my SO (significant other) dies - I don't function very well, I get given anti-depressants but I struggle to relate to descriptions of depression or "grief" - what is that? The biggest emotional reaction that I had was after the end that was not caused by death but by betrayal. Again I kept myself awake with heart-wracking crying - but I don't know whether I was angry, frightened or just upset because I could not understand what happened.

I understand other people's emotions in a theoretical or logical kind of way. Your child dies? I understand that that is devastating for you. You will need time to adjust. You will not be able to function normally for some time. You will exhibit emotional behaviour. That is justifiable, understandable. I will make myself available for you to tell me how you feel. I will reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you because you feel these emotions - but empathy - I suppose not.

Enough for now.