Thema: Do I have alexithymia?

1/?

Good post! I scored REALLY high on the test, except for I understand other's emotions, just not my own.

"I took the test on this site years ago and scored rather mild on the first version of the test. On the new version I took today, I scored much higher but I'm still unsure if I can really say I have alexithymia." Sometimes, having Alexithymia doesn't necessarily mean that every aspect of your life or personality will be affected. So there is that.

"So, I tend to struggle with connecting to my emotions. Sometimes I struggle to describe them, but I find that rather normal for everyone." It's not normal to everyone, or so I'm told. That's how we [with Alexithymia] think other people think, because we are relating others to our own experience since that's what we know. Is like the gay kid that thinks everyone has those thoughts/feelings for their same sex friends.

"But more often than not I am disconnected and rather 'numb' or 'neutral' feeling. I can feel joy and laugh, but more often than not I find myself faking a lot of these joyous emotions because I realize I just do not care about what my friends are talking about." I exists in quite the neutral state most of the day. I mean, I laugh and joke around a lot, but I'm not necessarily knowing I'm feeling a certain way at the time, or most of the day. I struggle if someone asks me if I'm happy. Well, I'm not unhappy, does that mean I'm happy? I disconnect from conversations on emotional stuff I don't connect to because I don't care about it. And the not caring comes from not understanding or being bothered that I don't understand. I probably should care lol.

"I struggle with depression and anxiety, so it could just be that. But I've also been struggling with these things for 10+ years, and I'm about to turn 21 for context of age." All of it could be a factor.

"I struggle a lot with feeling love. I have felt love, but when I think too deeply I begin to question if I truly loved something or someone. " The thing with love is that it's not necessarily the same, or the same feeling, all around with different things or persons. That being said took me forever to realize that did indeed love people. Things was easy, I freaking LOVE my PS5 and I will fight someone for it lol. I can't say that with certainty for people, but I do know I have some feelings of love, just don't ask me to describe them.

"When bad situations happen, or something stressful goes on, I can disconnect myself without trying. I may get upset or overwhelmed for a day or two, but after that I find myself extremely apathetic." I am the same, except I don't even get upset for a day or two. I have worked a number of large crime scenes, and felt nothing but curiosity as to how exactly the people died. Intellectually I knew that those bodies had families that were grieving, but I didn't know the dead person or their family on a personal level so no connection, no connection means it doesn't bother me I have no feelings one way or another towards it/the event. However, if the bad situation is a fight with my spouse, I know when I'm angry, takes a while to get me there, but once I'm there I'm all in.

End Part 1.

2/2

Part 2:

"I struggle with creativity, which is frustrating as I enjoy writing but can't bring myself to create something of my own without it being an exact copy of something I've read before." I have the SAME issue! In fact, I always wonder how people can create such intricate stories! I can do photos because it's already there; I only paint things I'm reproducing; I'm sewing someone else's pattern; and if it's not practical and with very obvious purpose I cannot create something from nothing.

"I wouldn't say my dreams are super mundane, but I tend to not remember most of them. They seem rather normal with a twist of something more fantasy related, like jumping through 'scenes'. More often than not I tend to dream about zombies, as random as that is. I do have a pretty big fear with zombies though, so it could attribute to that." I typically don't remember my dreams, but the ones that I do are like giant blue spiders, and usually happen when I'm super stressed at work; dream dictionaries pretty much interpret all the dreams I can remember as some sort of anxiety related thing lol.

"I'm not sex repulsed but while I enjoy things in the moment, I find myself disgusted and regretting everything afterwards." I'm not sex repulsed, but I'm also not all that interested. I usually have to decide that my spouse probably wants sex, and it's been X amount of time since the last time, so they probably want to go again. Overall, sex is boring even when we "spicy it up," but occasionally it's fun.

"I also tend to have the logical mindset I was reading about people with alexithymia typically have. While I give in to petty or angry emotions, I tend to still have the logic behind it and am aware it's a bad decision to let my emotions do the 'talking', but that can be rather normal, too?" Ridiculously logical here, even at inappropriate times. Angry is one of the big emotions I do understand, and I have a very logical response when I'm angry. Logical doesn't necessarily mean appropriate though.

"But I guess all in all, I understand what I'm feeling usually as long as I don't think too deep, but I find myself faking a lot of the time when it comes to emotional aspects." I think the part where you say as long as you don't think too deep is important to note there. Meaning if you think too deep then you don't know? I feel uncomfortable when asked to think too deep on something I already can't describe.

"I can understand my friends emotions when I've experienced them..." or so we think we do.

"...but a lot of the time I question why they're feeling like that, as it doesn't make sense to me that is the way they're feeling." The difference to note there is that understanding how someone feels is irrelevant to the logic of it; feelings aren't always logical; meaning some of us with Alexithymia KNOW what others are feeling but given the same situation wouldn't feel the same way ourselves, so it makes no sense in our heads why others would. Or something like it. I understand when someone says they feel regret, guilt, resentment, but I've never been able to identify those emotions within myself, so when they tell me in those situations I'm usually lost ("why does it bother you?").

"I also began to realize I heavily rely on others to tell me how to feel about a situation at times. I can develop my own opinions and feelings, but more often than not I rely on someone else." I take my cues when I'm supposed to be sad in group so I don't offend people, but it doesn't mean I feel sad myself. (I mean that as like at a funeral). I take the social cues and modify externally, but I'm NOT necessarily feeling/identifying those same feelings for myself.

I hope that helps, or at least in knowing someone out there has very similar things to you! Me for one, I'm glad not to be alone with almost carbon copy things you listed.