Thema: For whom...?

I just recently stumbled onto the concept of alexithymia.

I have Asperger's (among other things) and have always assumed my feelings (or lack thereof) were due to that. To discover yet another psychological difference that I have is oddly liberating, though not freeing (if that distinction is possible).

I have long been aware of my deficiencies. I have developed significant coping mechanisms through the years, to the point that most people are unaware of my problem. I play my part well. I have trained myself (through extensive study) to respond appropriately to the emotions of others and to display the appropriate expressions to situations.

I am left with this. For whom am I doing this? It is ridiculously draining to be constantly on guard. Because these behaviors do not come naturally, I am never able to relax.

I have considered telling my family that it is all a sham, but I can't convince myself of a positive outcome.

My family would be hurt knowing I don't share their feelings. Lack of reciprocity makes me seem cold, though that is not my intention. It would be easier for me to not be "on " all the time, but that seems the only benefit. My family wouldn't be happy nor would I (for obvious reasons).

I don't know what I am hoping to get from this post, but I would appreciate any input.