Thema: Confused

I read somewhere sonewhat put that reading a book or makin peons can help I believe I might have this Alexi thing because I'm left all the time not knowing what I'm doing or striving for or why I don't love or care about anything it makes me sad I waited so long for love but it never came so I forced it once and let so one who liked me go ahead and love me I was fine until he starts tellin me he loved me I just would repeat the thing back that he would say but he saw rite thru me it's hard to mimic other humans as I am I do feel like a robot idk I have a very bad memorie then anyone I ever kno I have sever panick attacks and can never see past today it's so foggy all I see i see is death or death near hurts so much I can't breath I wish I had something substantial for me to hold onto so I kno I'm real and there's a lot to live for its just hard for me to kno how I feel and I don't get a lot of things when people speak Nd have different emotions o can only try and wonder idk this is probably babbleling to many f u but I'm tired of feeling alone and not connected with anything but I'm going to take that women's advice so I wrote a poem in 3 minutes and this is what came out maybe this is how I feel? I just don't understand is something I repeat inside in my head like a hym or a song that is over played dare I say until I'm dead fear is all I have and pain is my nurturing, blindness is my mother and unserity my waking father Inside build me how long can I b this weak for its all I kno so how can this end without a horrible finale inside my head I think deeply more inside then anyone could over conceive I think deeper then the stars and beyond into a black hole of a dorment state getting lost in the what ifs and what was and what could b until my brain triggers like an electric storm hurting myself with this ball of a knot trying to breath but seems impossible when so deep inside of me!!!! I continue to write after this one it amazes me sometimes I think I'm dumb but my mind runs with this prom writing so easily it's more emotions on a paper that I wish or I guess I feel I kinda like it I just might keep this hobby