Thema: Love, Death, Pain, and Anger

I recently found out about alexitymia on a true facts post and I decided to look into it. The more I read the more accurate it seemed for me. I have never been able to process, understand, or explain my emotions to myself or other people. I have an especially hard time with love. I'm not sure if I feel it or if I ever felt it. I can't tell if people love me(even if they tell me) and I can't tell if I love others. Like, there's my family and I tell them I love them on a daily basis, sometimes a bunch of times a day, even though that's not at all what was on my mind.

I seem to tell people(family) I love them because I'm supposed to and the way they treat me is associated with love so I assume that's how I should feel. Same goes for my ex, I never exactly knew my emotions for her, but I thought I loved her. She treated me like I was loved so a reciprocated by loving her back. It is like a fallback emotion for me. I don't know exactly how I feel, or I don't know what to do, so my defense is to tell people I'm close to that I love them. Is that even normal?

Another thing, I've had two deaths in my family in the last year. The two people that died were my grandmothers(my mom's mom and my dad's mom). I was very close with both of them and they were a major part of my life. I often spent my summers with them as a child. However, when I heard of their passing(and even went to my dad's mom's funeral) I didn't really feel anything. I shared this with my diary, where I wondered why I felt(or didn't feel) this way. I wondered how I could share such a close relationship with someone and not feel anything.

When my mom asked how I felt when we were at my grandma's funeral, I didn't know how to respond. I just said I was fine(an answer that almost always describes how I feel). In reality, I didn't even know what I was feeling(which has become a normal thing., but still irritating). My sister, who doesn't show a lot of emotion, was crying hysterically at the funeral while I sat there feeling like I should cry. The only reason I felt that was because I thought it was how I should react to this situation.

I ended up not crying at the funeral, but I did end up crying that day. I cried because returning to the hotel afterwards I received a nasty fall. I cried because I could feel the physical pain easily, but sometimes I don't cry because of an injury. When I'm not in pain and I cry, I usually don't know why. I'm just crying because I cry easily and for no reason. I personally think I cry because it helps me feel some emotions I can't reach usually. Crying and bleeding make me realize I am alive, I just can't feel things emotionally. I need the physical.

I do feel an overabundance of one emotion; anger. I can't fathom why I feel so angry or how. I have no reason to be (or maybe I do). I get angry so easily and it is always over nothing or something stupid. It is ridiculous and I hate the feeling of being filled with anger for things I can't do or have.

Any opinions or tips?