Thema: My experiance

I have been going through various psychologists to find out what has been wrong with me most of my life and I when I found this I found that this is most likely what I have.

I scored 155 on the test and these are some things that go on with me

My emotions are very rarely very strong and I always have issues describing them even when they are strong. I always have lots of things going on in my head but I can never put them into words and whenever I do I generally fail to explain what I want to get through

People describe me as things such as a calm, peaceful, laidback, unfeeling, and cold because I rarely have any emotion to show no matter what situation is going on no matter how negative or positive it is whether if it be the death of a family member or getting a new sibling. Whenever anyone gets emotional in front of me or tries to seek emotional comfort from me it makes me very uncomfortable and I try my best to get away or not attract any attention at all, if possible, and if it is a direct or unavoidable situation people find my response to not what they are looking for. People also tell me that I say weird things, they aren't bad but strange is what i've been told the way I try to explain things from my mind.

The best way for me to describe how my emotions feel to me is that they are like a very watered down coffee, I can tell that it is coffee, but I can't tell what kind it is.

My issue goes all the way back to when I was a child when I was 9 I had a brother who passed away and while everyone else was visibly sad I showed no emotions even though I felt sad on the inside. As time went by and more family passed along with other significant negative events my ability to differentiate and feel negative emotions became more watered down to the point that I feel numbed to most negative emotions that come and I don't know what exactly causes them and what kind of negative emotion im feeling if it isn't blatantly obvious. It also affected my positive emotions as well, back when I was a child whenever I would get a new sibling I would experience a lot of positive emotions that were vivid the first time I met them but after looking back that after my brothers death I felt positive emotions meeting new siblings after but It might as well not have felt anything at all because it made such little difference. While I do feel love towards my family I have a hard way of expressing it or showing it. The way I feel at this point with my emotions now is black and white, I can only tell if they are negative or positive and I also have issues the exact reason why I feel them.

With my issues I constantly find myself asking different people for the same issue to try and get a better understanding of how I should be feeling about my issue and what they would do if they were in my place. Also in social situations I try to make me more approachable and more comfortable to be around by acting and going through the motion of feeling and expressing emotion from what I observe how other people react to certain situations which I feel has helped a lot.

I've never done anything like this before and what I hope to get out of it is to try to see how people who are similar to me deal with this same issue to get a better grasp of it and to see how I can improve on it.

Thank you for your time for whoever reads this!