≡ Thema: Friendship fail

Friendship fail
11.03.2016 von CV

About five months ago, I started another social experiment to see if I could make this work this time.
I joined several groups, struck up conversations with people, tried to be as open and honest as I could about relaying personal information as I am told this is what "connections" are built on (though not sure how successful I really was here for all sorts of nonfunctional reasons) took numbers, and for the next five months, kept up these connections with deliberate optimism, convincing myself that this was right. This was what having friends is.
Last night, had to concede the experiment was a failure.
Realised that I honestly do not care about any of the people I befriended. And it's not that I wish them harm or would ever cause it, it's rather that I have no affection, empathy, or "connection" to them at all. I feel exactly the same about them as I would someone making me espresso, despite seeing them regularly, talking with them, going out together, etc. I don't feel that connection. I don't feel anything.
I try to consider whether they were just the wrong people, and that's why I don't feel affection for them, but this happens every time with various groups of people over timespans of years.
I may be interested in talking to them, find their ideas interesting, or believe they are good people and worthy of friendship and if I could choose someone to form a connection with based on the information I have about what they're like, I would. But I can't. There is no "bonding" going on.
Why even bother? So I decided to stop. It was all pretence anyway, me trying to fake it until I make it. The next stage of experimentation may be equally as illuminating - if I disappear and none of these people calls or texts to see if I'm still alive, I'll know the connection failed on both sides, not just on mine. I'm not sure what that will indicate, though.

Response
27.03.2016 von spicyheinz

I feel this way too. I have been trying to form a connection for a long time, and on rare occasions i feel it however its very mild and only lasts for about one or two seconds. Its the same with my emotions except it take quite allot of feels for me to feel something and even when i do i am unable to recognize what emotion i am feeling.

response to CV
28.03.2016 von calmblankcalm

That's too bad. Did you enjoy the time you spent with them although there wasn't a connection there? Perhaps you could
define your friends as people who make you happy, but whom you don't feel a connection with.

Number 2
28.03.2016 von CV

It sounds horribly cold blooded I know. But it is, of course on a forum for a topic like this, difficult to explain.
As I've said somewhere else I'm always friendly and respectful toward others, ethically place value on their comfort and happiness, which assures me I'm not a sociopath. I just don't know what friendship is, doubt I've ever really had a friend for any length of time. I have had passing associations with others - during studies with others who lived in the same dorm, passing relationships where my partners had some use for me - but there is no attachment.
These things end, and I don't care.
Did they make me happy? I'd probably be the last to know if they did. Not that I can detect. It was all just effort for no clear purpose, which is part of the reason I stopped it. It was putting pressure on me to keep it up, keep the mask on, and why? It wasn't like the simulation of intimacy was creating the feelings in turn, as I had hoped.
Can an alexithymic have friends? Especially an autistic one? I'm more inclined to believe at this stage of the process that colleagues or fellow students may actually be a much better form of relationship than friends.