Thema: Today Everything Turned To S***

English Alexithymia Forum > Personal Experience

Today Everything Turned To S***
21.04.2016 von Prsma

Hi all,

I posted on here a while back but haven't really posted much since.

Anyway everything has blown up today and I didn't know where else to come for advice.

Basically I've been battling myself and the lack of emotion, empathy and everything else attached. A while back now I tried to find emotion in myself and I took to dating sites to see if I felt anything despite being in a relationship with a child. I didn't use it for any other purpose, I didn't meet up with anyone or exchange any messages, I literally just browsed around to see if I felt anything. This failed.

Moving forward the inevitable happened, she found the emails linking to the sites and everything went crazy. At this point she already knew about Alexithymia as she was the one who found out about it and told me it's me to a tee! At that time I did not tell her the real reason for me going on these sites as I did not want her to think I wasn't in love with her or have feelings for our son at birth and so on. What I did instead was told her I was getting fed up of our constant arguing and in a moment of madness decided to go on these sites. Somehow we sorted it out and go back on track, be it now partially damaged.

Between then and now there has been a lot of ups and downs, mostly because of me and not showing any love, care, emotion and the rest of it to her, this has made things tough ever since.

Skip forward to now, at my work we recently had the addition of 3 new staff, 2 girls and 1 guy. One of the girls I became close with but strictly as friends, we talk a lot about anything and everything but because I didn't want the hassle of my partner getting angry and suspicious I delete the messages between myself and my co-worker (very stupid looking back at it I know). Now with the recent IOS update my iPhone messages started syncing with my iPad and my partner saw the messages between us. There was nothing bad there but there was a few messages that if you didn't know the friendship would look suspicious.

With all of the other issues in the past my partner went absolutely ape and has told me that we are done that the co-worker is a home wrecker thinking that there is actually something going on. I've stupidly told my co-worker about what's just happened and now I've lost both my fiancee and my friend!

I don't even know what to think, do or say at the moment and this is probably just me rambling on, but I didn't know what else to do. I thought the best place to find some help would be other people with the same traits as me that may have experienced a similar issue or even just be able to give some friendly advice!

Anyway, for anyone that has read this thanks for taking the time to go through it and anyone that does reply, thank you in advance!

be honest
24.04.2016 von kat3lb

Dear Prsma,

I have never been in a relationship, probably because I was afraid to raise too big (emotional) expectations at the side of the partner. There were three man who tried to date me in a way that I was able to understand; all had Aspergers syndrome.... but that is another story. I am just telling it to say that I am probably the least qualified in this forum to answer your call, but still I dare to do so.
I would simply suggest to be honest to her. If she knows alexythimia she would understand that you cannot feel love to her and your son in the commonly perceived way. Yet, this does not mean that you have nothing to offer. Your relationship is based on logic and ratio, and as such is not subjected to something so ephemeral like sexual attraction. You will always be loyal, supporting and caring, because you "selected" her based on some stable values. And this is a kind of love either, isnt it? Much more secure than any hormonal dysbalance.
What you wanted to do with going through these stupid websites, was to test a hypothesis (the one that she actually brought to your attention...). You felt guilty that you dont feel the sexual attraction the same way as others. So you were researching whether you can feel it if the subject changes.... and the result was that you did not.

I assume you cannot formulate things as I put it here, but be a bit more diplomatic. And I am really not sure if this is the way to go. So take it as a suggestion, I leave up to you to judge if she would understand....

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