Thema: Introducing myself, and my experience.

Hello.

I like writing, and psychology/psychiatry. I also like space. I have a fixation with personality disorders and human behavior in general. It has been that way since I can remember.

I started looking into it more profoundly when I was 8, when my english was starting to improve (it isn't my first language; spanish is. And there's not a lot of info in spanish). The first subjects I read about were Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia. I've always thought I was different, but was never sure why. The answer came to me lots of times in different ways. I eventually decided everyone was different in some way, although I still think I might be a bit more complicated than the average person.

This morning I looked into the definition of Asperger Syndrome for the fifth time, since I started questioning (again) whether I had any sort of Autistic disorder. I found that the symptoms do match with the way I behave and generally am, as I have found before. Some psychologists have told me that it is quite possible that I suffer from that, but there's no paper or anything that verifies that I do. I think it's because nobody bothers to look into those things in the country I live in.

Another reason why I thought it is possible for me to have that, is the way I speak. It matches Aspergers. When I was younger (not that that's much --I'm currently 16), I was always told that I 'spoke like an adult'. My dad told me I was petulant because every time he would yell at me I would talk as I would do in any other situation, which, for him, was cold and a clear attempt of mocking him since I was trying to 'talk like an adult' when I am nowhere near that.

I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder more than a year ago. I think it's a mistake, or at the very least, a poor diagnosis that could have been something else. I also do not take the medication, since the secondary effects were greater than any apparent improvement (plus, my mother agreed with this since she didn't really want to bother with meds). Despite thinking that, I found that this disorder is often linked with Aspergers, and cases of violent people who suffer from Aspergers often have been also diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Now, I do not consider myself a violent person. Whenever I recur to any sort of violence, I do it carefully and well-planned. It is never disorganized, nor an impulse. Also, it has never ocurred more than twice in my whole life.

I found out, this morning, that Aspergers is linked with Alexithymia, and as I read about it, I realized it sounds exactly like what I could have.

I was obsessed with psychopathic and sociopathic disorders, since I thought I might have some of those. I never fitted completely into either category, though. Finding about Alexithymia made me realize that it is way more probable that I have that, instead of the two former.

I struggle with empathy and identifying emotions, as well as describing them or expressing them. I tend to fake them in the way I think I should. For example, if I know I am supposed to be sad in a certain situation, I pretend to be sad. I thought I was really good at it, but I have recently realized that it actually comes out quite fake. I know, in theory, how emotions are supposed to be portrayed; however, in practice, it comes out obviously fake.

I've had a few relationships, and they've always ended because the other person thinks I'm cold and distant. Unloving. Even though I thought I was giving my best to let them know I love them (which I was never sure of), they still told me they didn't feel it from me. They told me it wasn't enough, and that it often looked as if I was being forced. Last time, I admitted I did all of what I did out of curiosity. I claimed to be studying 'love', and how I was supposed to act in a relationship. The other person clearly felt used. I should probably clarify that I lied to this person about more than just my feelings. I tend to lie a lot. Almost religiously.

Every time I'm asked how I feel, I have to stop and seriously think about it. I try to imagine what other people would feel in my situation (based on what I've read and seen, mostly), and I answer with that. Since no one really bothers to look too much into it, no one ever realizes. Except, some people have, and they told me that I was a monster. Or something of that sort.

Now, being completely honest, I don't feel bad about it. That is... I'm not sure how I feel. I think it's interesting, perhaps.

I think I'm afraid of what this means. I've always been somewhat afraid, although I'm not sure 'afraid' is the correct word to describe it. I would like to know how it is to feel clearly, and I think that might never happen. I don't know, though. Most of the time I think it gives me some sort of advantage in several situations.

I also realize that my situation is a cause of genetics as much as an outcome of my environment. I live in a family where everyone is mentally ill. My dad is schizophrenic (which I think makes it unlikely that I also am), my mother and middle brother are clinically depressed (plus this brother is also autistic), and my big brother has some sort of antisocial personality disorder. My relationship with them is based on pure interest, and almost everyone is aware of that. If I do not need to talk to them, then I won't. We also tend to skip the part where we pretend we're a loving and united family. We often look like a business meeting.

It is quite possible that my brother also has Alexithymia. We act in quite a similar way.

There's also another thing that bothers me a bit: self awareness. I tend to imitate what I see when I find it interesting. Which, I think, is quite common. For example, when I was nine years old my favorite character was a (presumably autistic) brilliant detective. He sat in a weird way, acted and ate very specifically. I imitated him for quite a long time, till my obsession moved towards Sherlock Holmes, which is not quite different anyway. So, when I read about all the things I read, and when I feel identified with what I read, I think it is possible that any diagnosis that I have could be influenced by this awareness. I could be making myself believe that I have this or that, or I could be acting in a certain way to fit the diagnosis, in the same way that I used to act like my favorite character. I think that's how I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.

So I've come to wonder, if I know what I'm supposed to be feeling or how I'm supposed to be acting to fit in a certain category, doesn't that make it less authentic, in a way? If I know all about how an autistic person behaves, then perhaps I could just be imitating that. I don't know if I'm faking it or not, and thinking about it only gives me more to think about, plus a headache. Again, I cannot tell if this is the way I actually feel, or the way I actually behave. I cannot tell anymore what I actually am apart from what I imitate. Or perhaps they are the same.

It's all I have to say for now. I apologize for any grammar mistake.