Thema: I don't know what I am anymore

Hello, I am groen and I just took the test and apparently I scored 122 points, which indicates a high level of alexithymia. Now mind you, I only just found out about this condition today and researched about it until I stumbled across this page. It's cool that there's a forum on this website, so maybe I could use the forum as a platform to discuss my personal experience with dealing with my "emotions"? I hope you guys don't mind, lol.

Lately I have been feeling very down and very, very apathetic. My personality has become worse as time goes on. I remember being a really happy young girl until something just snapped inside of me and I became angry, more aggressive towards others and just plain rude. Now, I've become "emotionless" according to my family (they find my behaviour offensive in our culture) because I just don't bother talking about my emotions whenever someone (especially my mother) asks about how I feel today.. She calls me the "grumpiest and moodiest" child in the house, since I never smile/show happiness which used to hurt me when I was younger, but now I don't care about what she calls me anymore. In fact, it kind of irks me when my own siblings ask how I'm feeling when they know very well I don't like being asked how I feel, because I just can't describe my emotions properly/in simple words (or lack of emotions) and they like to use my response to make me feel bad or awkward about not knowing exactly how I am feeling. I feel like an outcast in my family, in my school, in my workplace etc. I feel numb most of the time and I don't know why. Something "traumatic" must have happened to me when I was young, because I feel that I have become a brick wall.

I don't really understand how my emotions work - I introspect myself a lot which mentally drains me because I don't like to use simple words to describe my feelings like "sad" or "alright". I tend to shrug as a response to how I'm feeling (I don't know why I do that - probably because I've become accustomed to feeling the same almost every day). What confuses and annoys me is how I think about and analyse someone one's emotional response to what I've said for so many days, weeks, even for months! And the worst part is that I always feel greatly embarrassed every time I say something awkward to people. For example, there was this one time this girl introduced herself to me and I said that her name reminded me of a character from an animated show and I assumed she would know what show I was talking about because the show is quite popular but she just looked at me confused and I nervously laughed and explained what the show was and she replied "oh...cool" with a confused face (I am already cringing as I write this ahhh). Hence why I almost never socialise with a lot of people - I fear about what they could be thinking about what I say to them.

Also, I'm surrounded by people who constantly talk about having lost their virginity, sex etc and I don't know, sex makes me feel very uncomfortable (the sheer view of even seeing someone kiss/being intimate makes me cringe and I can't fathom why some people would want to French kiss each other but anyway I'm going off a tangent). I think I might be asexual seeing as I have never felt any sexual attraction at all (and I don't think I ever will?).

Ah, I rambled for too long. What I am trying to say is I've decided not to bother "labelling" my emotions as such because to me, my emotions are almost abstract in a way. I don't understand them at the moment and I feel that over time, I'll feel more numb than I will have in the past which slightly scares me but yet I feel unnerved. I'm sorry if this writing was a mess. Sorry.