Empty Shell
04.10.2016 von IntoTheWindAfter coming across the definition of Alexithymia during an online search - I decided to take the survey, and scored a 140. Most of what I`ve read on this forum and elsewhere supports that I may suffer from this.
I am 30 years old and been married for 4. When my wife brings up my detachment issues, I feel like I am under a personal attack for who I am. I only really have had one "serious" relationship when I was a teen and it unwound due to my anti-social behavior and detached state. Had some one-nighters and friends with benefits - don`t think that helped with emotional development. I never had any emotional trauma or trigger events when I was young, and my dad & Grandpa both are pretty detached themselves so I think I get some of it from them. I was in the military for some time on active duty and did one combat deployment to Afghanistan. Don`t like to admit it but I also have mild PTSD.
I think some of my issues are physical AND somatic as well. I have had a testicular cyst for a while (found out when I was 21) that causes considerable pain from time to time. When I got my vasectomy done at 29, doc said he would prefer to leave the cyst alone as it was not "large enough" in his mind to remove. Complications can be common and the pain issue may not be resolved due to the sensitive and delicate nature of the nerve structures down there. I opted to go with his opinion. When I have a flare up I feel helpless to the point of being depressed. After all, it IS my manhood. I lay around in bed all day because I don`t wish to exacerbate the issue. I don`t want to have sex because it hurts/isn`t even pleasurable when my cyst gives me grief. This can last anywhere from a day, to a week at a time. My sex life suffers as it is because of my detachment. She says that we are not in tune emotionally and thinks I am mechanical when it comes to love making. Get in, get it done, go to sleep. I'm not the best emotionally speaking and not a mind reader, so its hard for me to satisfy someone who won`t communicate in words what they want during sex. Its always been like that for me. She says she shouldn't have to if we were emotionally connected.
Most of the time I am a very dry and straight forward person. I work nights so I already don`t have much time to spend with my family. When I come home, I see the wife and kids for a few minutes and they are gone. My house is full of tasks to be done and they fall to me to complete. I sometimes feel guilty from sleeping during the day and when my wife comes home to tasks I haven`t done I also feel ashamed like I let her down. I'm a problem solver. She gets home and doesn't really get a break from the kids. I wake up when she shows up, try and help as I can, then leave for work before the family winds down for the evening. I don`t get to spend time with them and relax as a family.
The last two times we have talked I have been confronted by her about my emotional past. I feel like I don't really have one. She made me cry both times - I hadn`t cried in front of her before, even when my daughter was born. In fact I hadn`t cried since I was maybe 21 or 22. She will bring up very specific things and direct my shortcomings as the fault. Like our 13 year old asking why we are even married. Even she sees that I don`t display emotion very well. I can connect with my 2 year old- not sure if it`s because she`s mine by blood or just because she is little and doesn`t judge me.
All of this coupled together leaves me depressed a lot. Anger and depression are like my primary emotions most of the time. I'm a pessimistic thinker and always see the bad before the good. I know it isn`t healthy and I spend a lot of time contemplating how to change who I am and how I THINK. I don`t smoke anymore (haven`t for a few years) and wonder if sobriety from alcohol will help. I drink socially, but in the back of my mind I think I do it as a form of a getaway too. Its not like my LIFE ITSELF is bad. I have a great job, wonderful kids and a loving wife. I know she loves me because she puts up with me and wants to help me and I love her too. But I don`t want my detachment to drain her to the point of not loving me anymore. She is like a flower emotionally speaking. She needs care and attention, but I smother her a lot with my negativity. She is a positive projector of emotion and is smart, professional, and caring. I know she resents my social behavior because she brings it up when we actually DO sit down and talk. - well she MAKES me talk-
emotional connection.
06.10.2016 von thoughts
Sorry to hear about your distress, I hope you find relief and solution soon. I share my experiences in hopes it will help you- it is a personal view so it is heavily biased.
Emotional connection should not be taken lightly. Through the years, in the woman-to-women discussions on ideal partner/husband, much too often I've seen that it is very much about the 'emotional connection'.
Many women have difficulty requesting or demanding love from their husbands and they assume that they should not have to ask their husband for love. The argument being that a loving husband would not have to be asked for love but would voluntarily give it.
What is the problem?
The problem is that without the 'emotional connection', the definition of love seems then to envelope EVERYTHING--which makes it very difficult for the husband to meet the demands and prove his love to his wife. However, once the 'emotional connection' is there, then the wife feels loved and feels at ease putting forward requests. Strangely, from what I've observed, in many cases most of the demands of the wife seem to vanish once the 'emotional connection' is established. It would seem like the husband's love has to be translated to the wife, otherwise the wife cannot sense it. In that case, the translating process is what is termed: 'emotional connection'.
I am a female scientist, women in my occupation generally have a more analytical than romantic mindset. However, I have seen this issue even 'among us'. The strange thing is that the 'emotional connection' in this circle is often described in phrases that make it sound more like 'cognitive connection'. When a women feels 'cognitively connected' (though still reffered to 'emotional connection') to her partner then she also feels loved by the partner.
Once the 'emotional connection' is made, All of a sudden, instead of complaining about her husbands deficiencies, she seems to have empathy and sympathy for him. The work she does on/for/because of him seems self-fullfilling and enriching instead of burdens or responsibilities. Her patience and flexibility in dealing with him increases.
Apparently this 'emotional connection' can be made in a multitude of ways, it is the similar outcome that is sought.
So I would look at how your wife shows emotional connection, and use that to translate your love to her. From what you have written, it would seem like her way is (surely not just limited to this example): to sit you down and make YOU talk to her about concerns --> in order to resolve concerns and make life better for you two/family.
So you could sit her down (take initiative) and tell her about the 'empty shell'-concern (to start with) and have HER talk to you about it (keeping the atmosphere blame-free) --> in order to resolve concerns and make life better for you two/family.
Difficulty talking? then perhaps a letter...any form of correspondance to start building that connection together. It is important she sees that you are engaged and committed in a process that gives her respect, love and security.
What are the emotional connection techniques?
06.10.2016 von Abc
I am a female scientist, women in my occupation generally have a more analytical than romantic mindset. However, I have seen this issue even 'among us'. The strange thing is that the 'emotional connection' in this circle is often described in phrases that make it sound more like 'cognitive connection'.
So you have emotions. Thoughts and emotions exhibit similar patterns and trends based on a RGB rationale. The three colored parameters are: Intellect, Feelings, Instinct.
Once the 'emotional connection' is made, All of a sudden, instead of complaining about her husbands deficiencies, she seems to have empathy and sympathy for him.
How am I supposed to achieve a emotional connection with her? Yes again her, the most gorgeous female in the universe, who is also a great scientist. Does she have any fucking emotions? How am I supposed to achieve a emotional connection with her if she does not have any emotions and she does not give a fuck about my feeling of love for her (since I love her intellectually and through instinct)?
So I would look at how your wife shows emotional connection, and use that to translate your love to her. From what you have written, it would seem like her way is (surely not just limited to this example): to sit you down and make YOU talk to her about concerns --> in order to resolve concerns and make life better for you two/family.
So you could sit her down (take initiative) and tell her about the 'empty shell'-concern (to start with) and have HER talk to you about it (keeping the atmosphere blame-free) --> in order to resolve concerns and make life better for you two/family.
Difficulty talking? then perhaps a letter...any form of correspondance to start building that connection together. It is important she sees that you are engaged and committed in a process that gives her respect, love and security.
In my case the initiative could be from following the way through which she got afraid of me and she does not speak with me, to forcing her to let me express my thoughts/feelings about her. This could be disastrous. But I am getting destroyed and she is the cause.
Letter delivered by a pigeon?
I respect her, I love her and I would offer her security. But actions like my deliberately expressing my respect to her, my sending her love songs or smashing her enemies and letting her know would be like showing off = hypocrisy. She constantly puts grey clouds and black lines in front of my sunny thoughts for her. I just want her. If she does not let me express my thoughts, then the red cloud will come to the top and I will get her by any means. And yes I am angry and I am very proud of this, since it is fair and reasonable.
