≡ Thema: Here goes nothing I guess

Here goes nothing I guess
22.10.2016 von val

I don't understand emotions, I don't understand people, and I don't understand myself. I don't feel things the way I'm supposed to. I keep getting into relationships thinking "Ok, maybe this one will be different. Maybe she'll teach me how to love and feel whole." But it's always the same. They end up falling hard for me and I leave them cause it's not right to be giving all this love and not receiving any in return. Its not fair for them to be in love with a robot. That's pretty much all I am. A human on the outside all robot on the inside. Someone explain to me this, why can I go months back to back taking shit from the world, then come home get yelled and break down in my room? I never cry anymore besides when I feel I should. Crying feels unnecessary and unnatural. Other people's emotions make me uncomfortable as well. They expect something out of me that I can't give them. My ex told me that she was raped when she was younger and as she started breaking down I was cycling threw past experiences trying to figure out the appropriate response, which was to hug her and cry as well. Assuming that was the right response cause we ended up fucking but I'm not sure. Speaking of which, how does sex work for whoever is reading this? That's another confusing thing, . It's just like a better form of mastubating. I don't get the fireworks, explosion of euphoria, amazing thing everyone else says they have. My only explanation is it might be cause I'm a man whore and have sex so many times with so many women that it's lost all its fun and enjoyment. If this is a common thing with alexithymia people let me know... Why are the only emotions I get depression and anxiety? Why are they the only thing I get on a constant regular basis? Happiness is such a distant and foreign thing to me at this point that when I do get it, I don't know what it is, I don't hold on to it, and it's gone before I know it... wish there was someone out there who I could relate to, even a little bit. But hey "this ain't nothing to relate to" The Weeknd, look him up he's amazing lol. Now I'm just rambling...guess it won't matter soon enough, just leaving my last digital footprint in somewhere it probably won't matter... tired

Some words to relate.
22.10.2016 von thoughts

Why someone is attracted to you and wants you as their partner, is their concern. Some are attracted by beauty, others by wealth, some by family background/status/lineage, while some are attracted by morals/values. You need not think for them... let them make their own decisions. Why YOU should take someone as a partner...that is your concern.

I find it easiest to be around people with whose morals/values I feel compatible with. Since then there is a code of conduct to rely and fall back on...much of the interaction can therefore be managed on 'autopilot'... and most of the disputes can get resolved since the parties adhere to the similar definitions of right/wrong, permissible/non-permissable, appropriate/ inappropriate, etc.

Much of how we perceive the world around us, our life... is not concrete but relative, ex: Someone who is considered short, is actually shorter RELATIVE to the general population s/he is being compared to; the same person can be considered to be tall RELATIVE to another population. Same is the case of feeling good/bad about our circumstances. By comparing with circumstances better than ours, we feel worse; By comparing with circumstances worse than ours, we feel better.

Then what?
22.10.2016 von val

How do I compare too then? This might just be my depression talking but I already feel like the lowest of the low so comparing myself to any just makes me feel insignificant and small