≡ Thema: Are you happy?

Are you happy?
13.01.2017 von wishbonenik

So, a couple of months ago my wife of 10yrs and I are finishing our meal at a restaurant when she suddenly blurts out "Are you happy?".
And so starts a voyage of self-discovery that results in the following outpouring of experiences and thoughts on this forum, the only place where I feel it will be heard and understood.
(Apologies up front for the length of what follows, I'll try and be succinct, but there's a lot I want to say.)

I'm smart and experienced enough to know that people don't ask that question unless they have something else to say, so I did not respond "Yes" as would have been honest (at the time: now I have no idea what happiness actually is!). Instead I reflected back on her and was told (to cut it short) that "We don't connect anymore" and that she feels like we have been cohabiting for the past year or more rather than being husband and wife.

We had some further talks about it over the next couple of weeks and agreed to couples therapy. Some concerns developed in my mind over that time, which eventually (through a fortunately timed news article) led me here:

1. I did not seem to feel sad about this situation - concerned, but not sad
2. I had (still have) no idea what she meant by a 'connection'
3. It was very easy for me to envisage leaving her (and my kids!!!) and not missing them
4. I could not conceptualize what would make me (or her) 'happier' in our relationship

I found this Alexi thing and WOW!, from reading the definition through reading almost every single post in this forum, so much resonates and makes sense now.
I never for a moment before considered that what and how I 'felt' wasn't typical (I don't like the word 'normal'). I now realize that for probably my whole life (over 40 years) I've never really felt (or maybe understood) an emotion. Sure I can laugh at jokes and I do a pretty good job of fitting in socially, but I never cry (not even when my Dad died), I've never liked hugs or holding hands and I'm fine with uprooting my life and moving to another town/country without missing the places, friends or family left behind. I always knew I was a little bit 'cold' in that sense, but didn't think it was a big issue. I look back now on any number of events/decisions/relationships in my history and I see that none of them were 'emotional' - I have been blunt and cold, thoughtless and irresponsible on many, many occasions. I likely didn't even recognize them as issues at the time, but I see now that to other people they were way more than just me being me.
I thought I was doing an ok job of being married, but I guess eventually my lack of emotional availability has taken its toll on my poor wife.

So we had the first therapy session yesterday and as the wife is pouring out her heart and crying and complaining about the lack of intimacy, etc., I'm actively trying to sense my emotions. I notice that I'm actually physically shaking as I sit there listening to this, but in my head I feel... nothing.

It's like I don't care. But I do. I don't want to get divorced, lose my kids. But I actually don't care. I somehow know that if that did happen, I'd be ok. And that bothers me (but it doesn't make me sad or angry).

It's awesome that I have discovered Alexithymia and that there are you guys out there who have similar issues and experiences to me. Thank you all for posting your posts and reading this one!

I'm totally confused at this point though:
Can I actually get the bridge working and feel some sort of emotion? Do I understand what love is enough to actually love my wife? How do I convince her to stick around and give her the support she desperately needs? Is it even fair to her to try? Should I just accept that I will never be on her level and walk away and be fine as I am on my own?

I now understand maybe why I've always wanted to go to Antarctica - maybe it's time...

Would love to hear any tips or similar experiences you all have gone through. Thanks!

Relationships
17.01.2017 von CV

What floors me is that so many alexithymics seem able to actually have relationships. That's one up on me for sure.
I was told it depends on the base cause of alexithymia. Apparently people come to this position in differing ways. If it was via some form of emotional trauma, often early in life, then the process can be reversed and the required emotional repertoire can be re-learned. Thus, if you shut down your emotions early because of the behaviour of caregivers, or had some kind of damaging event in your life that caused your lack, that can be worked at and you can develop.
However, if it is due to a neurological reason, it is unlikely the behaviours can ever be changed. Thus, if your alexithymia relates to psychopathy in any of its forms, atypical neurophysical development, or autism, you're stuck with it.
If it's the former, your working on it and developing it could actually provide your wife with the connection she requires, as she would likely be the person you would be working to exercise your emotional facilities with. You could also just ask her what it is she needs and let her know you are trying - with your own emotional deficits at present - to provide that and that in itself could be construed as a form of love.
I recently reflected that this care-but-don't-care sensation you're describing may be a lack of attachment. I recently stopped attending a group I have been attending for over a year (and joined in comparatively charged circumstances) and found that I could simply just stop going, without any form of loss. The moment the subject matter stopped engaging me, I saw no point in attending, as even over a year often more than once a week, I had developed no attachments to any of the people or the place. That disturbed me a bit too, as it seemed downright cold. I would have liked to form those attachments, but I don't.
What I think we tend to forget about alexithymia too is that there is often no dualistic "bad" intentions just because there are a lack of "good" ones. I certainly did not devalue those people, or think on them any less favourably. I certainly wish them no harm. I just have no emotional attachment to them, because I am different.