Thema: alexes and relationship

I don't know Logic23, its a difficult question. When I suddenly found myself in a relationship (first time at the age of 33), I really felt a bit happier for some time, time was running faster and my first thought in the morning was not suicidal. I felt like maybe it might even cure my alexithymia. After some time the partner started realizing that something is wrong, he figured out that I am not sure whether I love him and I am not able to declare the sureness. I feel like I want this relationship to happen as it would make my life more interesting. But he perceives the lack of sincerity in my statements of "I love you" type. He might one day feel deprived of love if we remain together. Or he might just remain alone and feel the same.
I think we have the same right as others to try to engage in a relationship. But maybe we require specific type of partners - tolerant, logical, bearing separation for long term periods.

Relationships are hard. I’ve been married for 18 years and I have two teenage children. I have an attachment to my wife and children, though I don’t feel a burning passion or much at all. Despite this I still tell my wife I love her, even though I don’t feel anything at the time. While it’s true in that I’m not feeling anything, it’s true as a verbal expression of my commitment to her.

I still struggle with my marriage daily, mainly because I’m aware that I’m doing poorly with providing emotional support. For instance my son stayed with his grandparents for 4 days and I didn’t spare him a thought. Meanwhile my wife started to comment on how much she was missing him, and the grandparents rung us on his second day and teasingly asked why we hadn’t called to speak to our son and whether we didn’t care for him.

I realise that I’m failing miserably to provide the love and support my family wants and needs, while feeling clueless as to what to do to make thing better.

Sorry to get back here, but this thing seems to having rock my world. My partner obviously realizes that there is something wrong with me. I dont want to tell him about alexithymia because it would do no good - he is African and would consider this a kind of western psychological bullshit. But even without telling him, he gets exactly to the point.... E.g. once when quesitoned about sincerity of my feelings I confessed that I might be slightly emotionally crippled because I dont even miss my parents. Initially he said that it is ok and just a matter of learning to admit what is inside me.

Later on, he backfired this to me when talking about our mutual future.... 'I trust you that you love me at the moment. But if you say you dont miss your parents, i.e. people you are so much emotionally connected to, how can I be sure that this will not once come upon me - you will just stop needing me and stop feeling any kind of connection towards me'...... I had nothing to reply, no way how to defend myself. He is right, I cannot guarrantee that this will not happen. So we agreed on a sort of experiment - physical distance, no intimacy no excessive communication, for one year or two. If I still feel the need to hug him and to speak to him after that experimental period, it probably means some guarrantee of true love, though alexitimic.

Its very tough right now, because I feel physical attraction that I have to supress, knowing that this might the the only opportunity in my life to enjoy a little bit of these things. But I think its a good methology how to distinquish whether to get engaged into this relationship or not (and maybe it will apply for relationships in general). I admire his patience. And i am thankful for having such an opportunity. I will let you know after couple of years....

after realizing i am an alexi , and after consideration, the only logical conclusion that I made regarding relationships with an significant other is to break up with the other person as soon as possible in order to avoid further damage to the other party.

What makes you think THEY'RE the one that'll be damaged?

I used to think that way, until I had an actual relationship. And then I realised how wrong I was.

I'm pretty sure my ex took advantage of this, eventually. He worked out that I was susceptible to guilt and anxiety, and really worked at it. I like to think I'm a pretty accepting person, who respects others and their limitations. As I don't really understand emotions (or have them much myself), I view the emotions of others as borderline sacred. I shouldn't harm something I don't understand, just because I don't experience it myself.

To manipulate me, all he had to do was claim, "I'm afraid of X..." I might think it was odd, but fears aren't something to mock. Especially not something to mock in your partner. If he turned around with, "I don't feel you love me" or "you're too cold", I'd bend over backwards to try to fix this issue.

My entire time was spent being painfully aware of what I lack, and trying to make up for it. I actually think I made more gestures of affection than him - I'd plan us days out, trips to places, get him gifts. Things with substance. But where I 'failed' was that I didn't like to be hugged, I didn't like to share a bed (sticky sweaty skin against skin, flailing legs and duvet wars), and outside of these events I pretty much kept myself to myself within the house. By contrast, he hated that I wanted to sleep in another bed (so I stayed with him) and would frequently force me into hugs with him when I was trying to do other things, but he'd never make romantic gestures, get me gifts, or organise things to do.

I'm deeply worried that any other relationships I end up in will turn out like this - my partner constantly wanting affection, and me not understanding how to give it. I'll give gifts, occasional gestures and treats, but not hugs. I can't empathise. I can't be a shoulder to cry on. I worry that I will always be expected to be feminine and affectionate, and stuck forever trying to prop up someone else's need for physical contact.

Honestly, the other person showing any sort of overly emotional attachment to me is an instant turn off. If they seem like they need me, I want nothing to do with it. I know I won't be able to give them what they need, and in trying I'll only hurt myself.

I also have a horribly feeling that two alexis wouldn't work either - I suspect that we probably benefit from SOME emotional warmth from those around us, so two alexis would probably end up miserable and confused with no clue why.

... to be honest, the best alternative is to probably throw the whole "partner relationship" out the window and instead have friends you occasionally screw. Except that's a minefield too - normal people get emotional rushes during sex, feelings of attachment etc, and that just seems to me to be a short trip away from unhappiness and drama when the other party wants "something more" that I can't give. And casual sex with strangers is just plain dangerous.

Holy fuck all these misconceptions here actually hurting people.

Sorry for the strong language but yes...

Alexithymia doesn't have to lead damaging the other party in a relationship. It depends on what the partner is like, too.


Kat3lb! That's just completely ridiculous bullshit your bf was telling you.

Let me explain why.

"how can I be sure that this will not once come upon me - you will just stop needing me and stop feeling any kind of connection towards me'...... I had nothing to reply, no way how to defend myself. He is right, I cannot guarrantee that this will not happen."

This has NOTHING to do with alexithymia whatsoever.

Your attitude towards your parents, or the lack of guarantee about the future either, has nothing to do with alexithymia.

Some people who are "normal" with feeling a lot and whatnot can hate their parents passionately.

And no one can guarantee too fast as to what will happen later, whether they fall out of love later even if they feel it strongly now.

Arriving to real commitment has to take time, you first need to see if there is enough compatibility on every level. This process everyone has to go through, alexithymic or not.

Also this is bullshit "reasoning": "But if you say you dont miss your parents, i.e. people you are so much emotionally connected to"

If you are emotionally connected to someone then you do miss them.

And then his idea of this test, it's just completely ridiculous. No one in their right mind would suggest such a thing. This is completely pointless as a test, since most people would fall out of love if there is no active maintenance of the emotional connection. That's just how these things work.

True love includes active maintenance of the positive emotional connection, not this bullshit about experiments like this.

Please, please don't draw the conclusion that this is a "good methodology" for relationships in general.

I hope this helps.

I agree with Athanasa, I'm much like that by default, seeing the emotions of others as "sacred". I have been learning a bit more about feelings, empathy, all that stuff lately, though. It's a long process but I'm trying to learn to improve on this approach because it very much does backfire on me like it does on you.

Though I wouldn't allow myself to be manipulated like this since it's clear he does not put in his part into the maintenance of the relationship.

You have a right to have your partner contributing as much as you do, you have a right to be treated well by your partner, and you also have a right to be not guilt tripped like this, it's completely unfair tactics.

No, not everyone is like him, don't worry about that. But yeah, it's best if you don't go near the guilt-tripping overly dependent type, like you learned not to. That's good policy.

I agree two alexithymics together sounds like a recipe for disaster lol.

As for FWB... an idea: try it with a married guy who has no intention of leaving their family.

As for FWB... an idea: try it with a married guy who has no intention of leaving their family.

Morally wrong, surely? Besides, that's a way to end up in the middle of a shitstorm of emotion and illogical drama going on around me that I don't understand. Like people stabbing each other with swords invisible to me, and I'm sitting there trying to wonder why I'm splattered in gore (and who the gore even BELONGS to).

Maybe a 'third wheel' in a relationship? Some sort of human stray cat. I like being around people and, having people to talk to. It's intellectually stimulating to have a conversation. Plus, that means that if I do just lose interest and disappear, I haven't left anyone in the lurch.

after realizing i am an alexi , and after consideration, the only logical conclusion that I made regarding relationships with an significant other is to break up with the other person as soon as possible in order to avoid further damage to the other party. Do you actually NEED a significant other to be mentally well, or do you just feel you ought to have one because it's culturally / socially expected of you? If it's a NEED, then the NEED will probably drive you to make the adjustments required to maintain the relationships purely out of self interest.

If you do NOT genuinely need a significant other to feel mentally well, don't bother with the whole "significant other" thing.

(Please note: This is not to be mistaken or confused with a need for sex. Sex for purely physical pleasure does not require a significant other to be enjoyed. In fact, it doesn't even really require another person.)

Morally wrong... well if that bothers you then yeah forget the idea.

If the married guy has no intention of leaving the family and is careful about not getting caught then I don't see how it would be a shitstorm...

Anyway, third wheel in an open relationship, that's a good idea I guess. Good luck then! :)

Does this has to do with the fact that back then I attended a 4th way school which the mian idea is the awakening of consciousness and where there are 4 centers ( emotional, intellectual, motor & instinct centers ) which are to bee studied as functions rather than who we truly are? I've read tons of books about awakening processes as i.e The philosopher´s stone where it states that in occultism the term "no more tears" means no more emotions. That if one wants to escape from the Matrix ( vibratory world - thoughts & emotions ) one must realize one is not thoughts & emotions but the one who observes them "The Silent Witness" The 3rd Eye opened. That there are 2 astral planes, being the vibratory one being the lower astral plane or lower self - the mechanical individual who believes he's his thoughts and emotions hence not being able to control them, in other words, the individual who's still asleep in the Matrix - and the Higer astral plane or Higer self ( the divinity awake in the individual - the christ consciousness) The individual who has escaped from the Matrix but still has the capacity to interAct within the Matrix ( out of time within time ) Or as Deepak Chopra said: Ageless body / Timeless mind? The individual that see sex far beyond just being sometihing recreational but instead a bond between 2 divinities sharing themselves, beoming 1 to experience the totality of the whole. An individual who feels that taking sex as something recreational is mechanical - the instinctive center doing its animal function which releases some sort of chemicals suchas as dopamine, serotonine, endorfines and oxytocin, being the individual not aware of whats really going on, but just "enjoying" that emotional experience which they cannot verbalize because in Reality it's a wordless state, which is the same state an awakened individual experiences - being aware of oneself implies no thoughts no emotions in order to experience our True Self } i.e as when the drop falls into the ocean and becomes one with the ocean. How do you think an individual who has opened his mind to the fact that the whole world - the whole universe is 99.999% empty space ( whirling atoms, molecules, protones, electrons 010101010 and the remaing 1% which is matter it's also empty space ) in other words everything is Consciouness & Enregy - obviously emotions and feelings are perceived totally different from those individuals who are still asleep believing they're awake like puppets pulled by strings where those strings are emotions - they don't have control over themselves, still they call that Living. I don't consider myself "emotionally dumb" I consider myself an individual who learnt to Master his emotions and thoughts, an individual who consciously imagines and found a different way to express himself - an individua who founds in sex something much more bigger than just a recreation activity -which causes problems when the partner in turn is still asleep and asks you: Could you please be more human? And you internally think: I can't, even I wished to - It happens I've found that my origin is not human, that my whole structure including the bones are made of Light! I Am consciousness in this form you called human - What if I Am the healthy one - so to speak - and the rest - so to speak too - are the ones with the anomaly? Who determines what a normal lilfe should be like? And if people with alexithymia are above the individual considered "normal" in the matrix? What if people which are still asleep in the Matrix don't have the capacity to understand us, precisely beacuse of their current hibernate state, hence the first thing they came up with is that we have a psicosomatic illness? Just because we don't fit the "normal" paramteres stablished by a "mechanical system", designed by automatons, we should be considered anomallies? What if YOU! are the anomalies to be treated? We feel life much more intensely than the average person. The way we feel life, it hurts! Because you can see the emotions, feelings and even thoughts of others, and you know the why, and where it comes from what those people are experiencing unconsciously. If they were aware or had a certain degree of our anomaly called Alexithymia, they would not suffer (No more tears), and instead they could create their reality consciously, by taking control of their emotions and thus think clearly and consciously imagine, fantasize awake without the need of the drama that the emotions happen when they are not aware of them? An individual with alexithymia equals imagination aware of itself.

IMAGINATION - I AM A-MAGIC-NATION