03.04.2017 von badbud65
I've struggled all my life with relationships, be they platonic or sexual, I've found that I get confused when strong emotions are displayed as I don't understand why they suddenly happened or where they come from, due to not feeling them myself at that time, so I just tend to go along with them. Anger is a feeling I thought I understood, however this now appears to be an artefact of having bodily sensations similar to when I'm upset, and/or crying. But since I started psychodynamic psychotherapy it has become blatantly obvious that when I'm asked how I'm feeling my response has been scared, embarrassed, foolish, stupid and other self demeaning negative words. But these are just descriptions of the anxious bodily feelings I have inside, rather than feelings. I started to recognise that I was having real trouble answering what appears to be a simple question "How are you feeling?" In reality I have no idea as I always appear to be feeling the same jumbled up mass of uncomfortable happenings inside.
How do I feel? That one simple question should conjure up a multitude of things, especially when asked "How did I feel, when X happened?" I started noticing that my responses were almost scripted, I'd just say what I thought was obvious to say, so why was I being asked the question? I was happy, I was sad, I was OK, I didn't like it, etc. However none of these responses actually answered the question.
Before I started therapy in September 2016 I asked for a book to read, and my therapist recommended "Why Love Matters." At first this book did not agree with my own thoughts (bias's) on childhood upbringing and how it can have negative affects on your adult life. So after reading about a 1/3'rd of the book I stopped reading it. Recently I picked it up again, mainly due to what was coming out in therapy. Then I came upon a new word Alexithymia, and after reading its definition I was convinced this was something that I had. I spoke with the therapist afterwards and she agreed that I did show Alexithymic traits.
Since then I've read around various sites to gain a better understanding of what it is and what I can do about it. Unfortunately what I have found out is that the type of therapy I'm receiving is probably not going to help hugely. However my thoughts are even if it doesn't help me combat and find tools to help me with my Alexithymia, at least I'll have a better understanding of why I have it and why I do what I do.
I was an Alcoholic for 10 years, I'm now clean, due to that being a proviso for receiving therapy. What I would like to know, is there actually anything I can really do so that I can have fuller relationships rather than always feeling like an alien compared to everyone else?
I've recently bought Emotionally Dumb: An Overview of Alexithymia and Heaven and Hell: The Psychology of the Emotions. The latter although useful is basically a dictionary for different feelings, rather than what I expected, which was how it really feels when you experience certain events. The former book has helped me hugely to gain a fuller understanding of this social construct. Why I'm confused a lot of the time when people are showing string emotions, be they excited, happy, or sad etc. The stoic description of “what Alexithymia is not” cleared up that idea as did my constant suffering with Depression and Anxiety. As even during periods of time when I've felt contented the feelings I've had have just bee as confusing.
This quote ‘ No ’ seems to be the favourite default response of the Alexithymic person . Even when asked a positive question like ‘ The weather is fine , would you like to go for a walk ?’
Reading that was an “Aha” moment as I've done this all my life, someone offers me a crisp and my instinctive response is “No”. That's just a few things that rug bells with me, plus I read the book in one sitting, which considering I have dyslexia (diagnosed at university) is an achievement, but that just shows how much this book spoke to me.
Lastly a short history: I've been in and out of severe depression episodes since 32, I'm now 51 and I've had a major depressive bout every 3 to 5 years, which has obviously been disruptive with work, friendships and sexual relationships. I've always thought there is something wrong with me, especially when it comes to meeting new people and making friends or acquaintances. I've thought I had Aspergers, or that I'm a sociopath, however neither of these stood up to a fuller scrutiny. I've been suicidal on many occasions, but I've never done anything about it until the summer of 2015 when fortunately someone called the police on me so I didn't get the chance to follow through with killing myself. With regards to Childhood Emotional Neglect, lets just say my Mother went to prison when I was 4 for trying to kill me and my 3 year old brother in a house fire.
My score in the test was: 169 points broke down thusly.
Category: Difficulty Identifying Feelings: 28 Points <15 - 18>
In this category you show high Alexithymic traits.
Category: Difficulty Describing Feelings: 20 Points <10 - 12>
In this category you show high Alexithymic traits.
Category: Vicarious Interpretation of Feelings: 13 Points <8 - 9>
In this category you show high Alexithymic traits.
Category: Externally-Oriented Thinking: 29 Points <18 - 21>
In this category you show high Alexithymic traits.
Category: Restricted Imaginative Processes: 34 Points <18 - 21>
In this category you show high Alexithymic traits.
Category: Problematic Interpersonal Relationships: 30 Points <15 - 18>
In this category you show high Alexithymic traits.
Category: Sexual Difficulties and Disinterest: 15 Points <10 - 12>
In this category you show high Alexithymic traits.