Thema: My personal experience, unresolved, trying to figure myself out

First off I want to say I have Asperger's (or low level ASD as the new criteria calls it).

So I'm not sure if this is Alexi or not.

Most of the tests I take seem fake, like, I can't really be certain about the answers I give. I try my best but in the end I feel like I've cheated the system or been biased

Aside from that, I'm a relatively high-strung person. I can be pretty energetic at times. Does this go against the flow of Alexithymia? Is that even what you would call it?

I can be sad. I can identify sadness. Stuff like that. I also have moments where I can't tell what emotion I have, but it doesn't matter because it's not like I'd tell anyone anyways. I NEVER share emotional information with people face-to-face. I find it much too difficult to talk about, as in, I'm awkward about it. It never really showed itself to me until now, I didn't really understand that NEVER discussing emotions might be kind of, bad? I'm not sure. Either way, I really want to understand myself more than anything. It took a bit to realize this but I'm slowly doing so, in my own way, I guess.

So I guess that's what this is about. Now let's see if I can just pin down my train of thoughts into something legible.

I'm a 17 year old boy living in a rural community in Texas. I've been an outcast essentially all my life, and I know to partially attribute it to Asperger's but I know that might not be all. I recently learned about this, condition(not the right word)? When I met someone. I won't go into details but it captivated me because I saw myself in them. I realized that I can struggle with the same things often, albeit to a lesser degree.

So I embarked on a short quest, to learn about myself. I don't know why I'm doing this, it's stupid. It doesn't affect me. But I'm doing it anyway and I've already written a considerable amount so I might as well keep writing.

I realize that, it's probably not Alexi. I took a test, I don't remember what score I got, but supposedly it was "high alexi". I didn't really buy that. It felt like I was lying to the test the whole time, because every answer I gave to these questions, I was so uncertain about I felt bad for saying anything other than "undecided".

And questions, like daydreaming. I daydream all the damn time. I'm not supposed to, though, by Alexi standards, so it might not be that.

But I still have experience with the isolation. I guess I can really book on that, sort of. I know what it's like to some degree. I'm a very, very non-emotional person, whether it's because I can't recognize them.

I only get sometimes I can't recognize emotions, I guess. Sometimes I feel like a mix between sadness and anger and I just want to clench my jaw and lash out at everything but I'm not mad at anything because there's nothing to be mad at. That's the only one I can think of that happens a lot. And when people get mad at me I get pretty flustered, not because I'm scared I just can't think of what I should say to those things.

It confuses me though, because I feel as if, if I had the proper vocabulary, I could sidestep the problem of occasionally not being able to put my problems into words. (Again, not that I ever would).



My inability to self-assess makes me ask for help in this matter. I don't know anyone that could help me assess myself, though. And I'm obviously too biased to do it myself. So maybe it'll just be a mystery. I should move on, I know my weaknesses and that's all I should need to know.

Anyway, I just hope some people here can understand what that feels like, or say, like, "Yes, I felt like that too", so I can get a little more guidance and hopefully more concrete evidence that, yes, I do indeed have an issue.