Thema: Newcomer

Here's how it's been for me so far, and I'd appreciate anyone's input on all the details I wrote. (Also I'm French so overlook any errors I might have made.)

I’m 31 and been searching “my whole life” for answers, researched many symptoms and it seems as though all I’ve done most of the time while “living” is build up theories and analyzing things around me. I’ve came up with many ‘possible answers’ but I’ve never belonged to those groups because I lacked either this or that; plus once examined further, then I knew it wasn’t me. Examining further wasn’t easy because I had to think of what certain things meant for me and how I was supposed to feel about them.

Reading on the ‘symptoms’ plus the words some of you left behind; they were things I had already told myself/others and went through too, so I related more than I did with ‘ordinary’ people.
Plus being one gender and absolutely not identify with it made everything so much harder; society is awfully good with stereotypes and I too suffered from it to the point of developing dysphoria with my body, and thinking that I was born in the wrong shell. But no, I’m merely a woman who doesn’t like “woman stuff” and prefers “man hobbies.”; by lack of putting it in a less gender-role manner. Hence I was rejected from the same gender because I didn’t understand them, their way of thinking and behaving, etc.; and I didn’t fit in with boys either because they saw me as stupid and weak because I was born with a vagina.

But people need to realize that women differ from each others, and so do men; attributes linked to a certain gender is truly genderless more times than not.

There were many instances in life where I (and most certainly some of you) come to the conclusion that there is something different about me/you. And you wonder if it’s just your personality; but as years pass and more peculiar events occur, then the word ‘different’ shifts to ‘’wrong’’. There is something ‘’wrong’’ with me, there is something ‘’missing’’; am I not wired like most of individuals moreover if so then why and how???

Events such as people reacting in surprise when they’re ‘supposed to’; for instance being in a car and almost running into a deer. Their exclamation, bodily response and what I assume they felt then; whereas I didn’t even so much as blink. Only wondered later, why it was that I didn’t get those. I don’t jump, I don’t get surprised; and only years later did I realize that it was dangerous to be this way because I don’t seem to have ‘normal’ danger responses.
Once someone forced me down and put their hands around my neck; it lasted maybe seven seconds or more then he straightened and let me go. But then that was it, I had not felt anything and didn’t ponder on it later; it was just over it, period. The only thing is that months later; I then wondered why I didn’t panic or talked about it, etc. Anyway that’s just example among many.

I’m also a gamer (and live in my head most of the time, zoned out and all), and never did I understand why it was that others are afraid of horror games, and I think they’re faking when they are scared. Why would they be afraid since they’re playing at home safely in the comfort of their room? There is no direct stimulus at all. There is nothing to be scared of, yet, some get so traumatized that they can’t sleep at night, etc. However, whenever I play video games then I know I feel relieved; for escaping reality once more, and happy because I am really good at games. Doing my hobbies is what happiness is to me, if I have to describe it.

However, I’ve been bullied a lot, and perhaps three times then I felt my heart pound in my chest. I remember that. And if I got approached by someone I didn’t know, I felt warmth in my face due to shyness. That too I remember. But once school was over and I was home, I didn’t shut myself up in my room to cry though; it was just over is all. Out of sight, out of mind. I felt nothing to the point that carving marks in my skin was the only way to make it tangible that I was there; that this shell was relied to ‘me’; even though ‘me’ didn’t made sense.

And once I talked about this and that person was horrified of what I had done years back, plus didn’t understand that I did not seek help or at least talked about it sooner; plus didn’t comprehend that I truly did not believe this was an issue at all. I still don’t because I neither was doing it for attention nor secretly crying for help; it was just a good way of connecting to reality. Period. And because I have, I think, a high tolerance to pain.

But have I felt happiness? Loneliness?? I’m not certain. All I know is that the dominant emotion I am capable of is anger, I can say with certainty that I’ve experienced hatred and irritability a whole lot and still does nowadays. So much that I still think it is part of my personality. I get irked by dumb people quite easily and tend to view them like human filths, to not get too crude on this site. (I’m usually more crude and severe, that’s why everywhere I go on internet, I get mistaken for a guy. Even in real life sometimes, even if I don’t look like one. Stereotypes again.) I have very low tolerance for drama, or even people that react ‘normally’ to situations, but to me it seems like overreacting.
When that happens then I try not to make a big deal out of it, if possible; but then it aggravates me, and if it goes on then I get angry. Otherwise I’m neutral 90% of the time, and close to happiness when I go about my hobbies. Alone, in peace; recharging my batteries.

At 31 I am now aware of many differences in people, with our own view on the world and everything this implies; but still with that knowledge, I yet get annoyed at how some of them acts and thinks. I think that I am very hard with myself, and with others also.

I think my father might also be sort of emotionally blind; he never shares anything and back then we could easily spend an entire week without saying a word; which didn’t bother me because I wanted nothing to do with it. Hell, I wasn’t even aware that I wanted nothing to do with human interactions from him because there was none to begin with. I didn’t know other families were different either. Just to specify, my mother was murdered when I was two, so I didn’t know her either. Once I went to a friend’s and her mom hugged me; I truly froze in her embrace not knowing what to do, what to say/think.

(And I have a complicated approach to death as well; because I don’t feel what I observe that others do. As exercises, I sometimes sit and wonder what it would make me feel if any relatives/friends died. I have no answer. «No data available.», as Legion would say.) And I wouldn't mind killing someone who deserves it either; it would at least be justice in my book. Nonetheless, I have a sense of moral and a moral code. But Death doesn’t scare me, I welcome it because then it would be freeing; and I’ve acted in dangerous situations right away because I didn’t think of things such as “what would happen if I get hurt??” It just didn’t dawn on me, only afterward when people pointed it out. And another thing, it would make a certain friend angry when I didn’t ask for help when they thought I needed it. Thing is, in my own mind; even the thought of thinking to ask for help never was there in the first place..... I didn’t know this was something that existed. Now that I do, then I loathe having to ask for help, and so I don’t.

So my father never praised me either, or got interested in my hobbies, etc.; and I never stopped to think that maybe this was a “problem”. Until the day that two of y brothers (I have three), decided to go to a meeting in order to talk about what they felt missed in their lives.

We’d take turn, and I realized that my younger brother was seeking approval/attention/love from my father, and that it hurt him for having none. When my turn came, I remained still and quiet, fixing the table like a robot; what the hell was I supposed to talk about?? That’s just one example of when one figures out that something is different. Up to this day, I still don’t care for my father’s approval or anything; he’s the way he is, with his OCD and lack of human response/interaction. Yeah sometimes he laughs and jokes around, but that is not often; and he’s so caught up in his head (either from intense loneliness or else) that he talks to himself out loud all the time.

And I don’t know about you all, but I never get anything from praises; as I suppose it would make others feel proud about themselves. That too doesn’t work on me. Even when I stood up to defend a friend, or myself when it happened; I just went back to whatever I was doing, not feeling proud or anything.

I’m know to be really hard to read, a poker face, and I didn’t know back then that I was expected to share my thoughts/feelings and ask others for theirs. That brought a lot of problems, and more than once with the same persons too. I didn’t know I had something to do with them being frustrated at me, didn’t know they wanted me to interact with them. So much as saying ‘good morning’ was irksome to me and I wondered why they needed that in order to live correctly.

Small talk and everything related to that is still a huge bother to me nowadays and I hate having to do it; just knowing that I will have to go through with this if I go out is already irksome and I’m not even there yet. Having to fake, to hold a conversation that will most likely bother me or just anger me from its futility, having to smile; or get through anything that involves human contact. Some days are worse than others, however when I manage to pull it off as a ‘normal’ human being; then I get home and hate myself for doing it, not sticking to my true self. And I hate others for not being able to take me the way I am; furthermore this is the norm in society so it multiplies the problems. Consequently, keeping a job is hard, too. Probably because I haven’t found a domain in which I know I can excel with my skills. In a perfect world, I’d find it; but this world is rotted to the core.

But I rarely fake with my family, I do sometimes to be polite but they know how my father is, and they know how I’ve been; so when I’m around them I don’t necessarily fake being who I’m not since they’ve seen that part of me already. And as for friends, well, it’s awfully complicated. I’ve burnt bridges a lot, and for others those reasons would seem idiotic to them, but not to me. I’ve had so many backstabbing done because I wasn’t good at reading the ones that didn’t have good intentions, etc. But also so much misunderstandings because of me being not human enough, of them wanting me to “read between the lines”, or imagine what they need.

And also because, them being who they are, who interpret me wrong even if I wasn’t feeling/thinking anything; so in other words they read “in between the lines” with me even though there was nothing going on there. So yeah, human interactions were always a major pain.... and I still fear them today, despite being more talkative, because those experiences were always a fiasco. And because I see problems ten miles down the road because of past experiences plus have a sort of inhuman focus on things that others don’t seem to have.

There was a time when I linked with someone, just walking towards her would bring a smile to my lips just seeing her. But being who I am, I’ve missed a lot of her needs and hurt her too. Same goes for everyone else, and they in turn also hurt me because we didn’t understand the differences. And I’m not talking about the non-friends that harassed me and did even worse; those I’ll never forget or forgive. I’m ruthless when it comes to those, or bastards in life in general. I can be as brutal and cold, as inhuman then. It’s part of who I am. Shutting down any emotions that comes to be is not a problem; like a switch flipped off, really.

And in terms of relationship, that too is hell. Since I was young I’ve never been interested in sex, zero libido and the idea even grossed me out. Any form of normal intimacy wasn’t needed, still isn’t, and the idea of it being more was immediately rejected. Years later I’ve had some experienced and can achieve orgasms no problem (as I’ve read others fake them); but afterwards I feel shame of having succumbed to such primitive needs and see the futility in it all once more. I don’t need to repeat the event nor want to.

Creating a family, getting married, be happy with a partner, etc.; NOT for me. I never dreamed of having it and after trying to fit in so many times; I still don’t want any of it. Plus I realize that whenever I’m with someone supposed to be my lover; I have to be the dominant one. There’s no other way, I’m dominant by nature whenever anyone tries to get closer. Say if I let my barriers down, let them in on my little world; I’m dominative and too cold for them still. Especially since that person has ‘normal’ needs in mental feelings and body, plus I’m way more independent than him so it’s really hard on him.

And he likes to talk, about his feelings too; I want to avoid that as much as possible. I don’t want to see him because I dislike thinking of all the human contact that will have to be done then. But I’ve talked to him, and he knows how I am; even though I told him it would be better to find someone else, he still adores me like crazy. I can’t return that; I don’t idolize him that way or love him that much. I wonder if I even am capable of loving him since I know that it’d be better if he forgot me, and if he left then I wondered what it would do to me; yet I have no answer to that prospect.
Their feelings annoy me, and as I sit there listening to them talking about things they’d like me to do, others than the ones I pain to do in order to make them feel better; I just listen patiently but I’m not there. I just wait for it all to end so I can continue with matters that are really worth doing.

I’ve been called a monster more than once, and by many. As I see it, I’ve done nothing THAT horrible to be called as such; as I told them, it’s not like I’m a rapist/pedophile or anything. I’m just being me and trying to cope with all this useless data and......them seeking attention, etc.

I guess I scored pretty low with around 136, and because I didn’t checked answers that were at the complete opposite end of the choices since I don’t believe anyone can be 100% sure of what they feel or think they know about themselves. So that played in my final score too. Plus I happen to have a vivid imagination; since I was a kid I’ve been locked up in my room drawing comics and such, all day long I wouldn’t stop until my fingers ached too much that I was forced to stop. I also write a lot of stories/parodies. So that makes me think that I am a fraud still for believing having things in common with you guys. It’s not that ‘not’ being part of a group bothers me; but rather not finding the answers to my endless questioning. That’s what annoys me, and with every other worthless ritual norms; that too is exhausting.....

So yeah I never felt I fit in anywhere, but it happened twice last year when I came upon two TV series. One is the American show Dexter, I saw myself in him a lot and that connection was weird for me because it never happened before on that scale. But then it got overshadowed by an even deeper connection when I witnessed BBC’s version of Sherlock Holmes. THAT, blew my mind; it made me feel weird, and for once I clearly identified that I was feeling something, had emotions when I watched a TV show. I didn’t think this was possible. I laughed, and tears formed in my eyes at times, and I felt Sherlock so much it left me wondering a lot more.... but for once, relief washed over me because I “wasn’t alone” anymore, I wasn’t goddamn crazy.... this admirable machine-of-a-man, this guy was part of “my specie.”

His flaws, his mood swings, his lack of self care, his warrior side when it comes to certain friends, his logical thinking, etc. He too has been called a monster, he too has been told that he doesn’t have a heart; he too is misunderstood most of the time and can’t seem to bond, etc. It was the first time in my life that I became obsessed with someone. (Mind you not like some typical fan girls who want to marry him or have his babies, etc., but way differently. And then I even felt envy/jealousy for what he have that I do not.)

Many of the events he suffered and went through, I have. Many of the traits in his friends, and how they see him/treat him; I have. To the emotions and the sentences they told him, or he told them; it fits so much that it’s as if someone poked in my head and wrote about it all. There were so many things linked to me, and that throughout all the episodes, that it blew my goddamn mind all the way. It shook me, and I am really not easily shaken. That too, destabilized me; all the things I started feeling....

Otherwise, when I am ‘me’; I’m neutral. I let go of jokes here and there to be funny and make people laugh, but I don’t always try. And when I feel nothing at all, I call it the Void because it’s tangible how empty I am then. And I know that this is the real me compared to the mask I often wear. Others often mistaken the mask for it being reality, and the neutral part being only “momentarily you not being you”; while it’s the opposite. The Void IS the reality.
Years later, I wouldn’t have written so much; I wouldn’t have written at all. It took me a lot of effort to be able to understand myself more, and a lot more to try and explain things to others. Hence, here I am, too. It’s also thanks to Sherlock that I came across another test; and whether I am truly INTJ or not, well....we can never truly know with tests online or psychology in general because human beings are awfully diverse and complicated. But even so, when I got my result for INTJ; it also made me realize that no, I’m not crazy or making things up.

And no, I don’t want to change. That’s one reason why I’m not interested into therapy or having to discuss my inner world with someone I don’t know or trust; having them poking around my head and not fitting to what they consider being the ‘normalcy’ on this planet.

Well this has been going for far too long, so I’ve one more question; does music play an important part in your lives? Music is known to be the universal language for emotions; and when I find the proper ones, then I can feel things that I never thought I could. Music is strong.

Also, the ‘symptoms’ imply that most people should also have other problems; one of them is irritable bowel syndrome. I have that too, three years ago I really started to get sick and searched for answers for that as well. Well I mostly think that with what the industries have being putting in food/drinks for a long time is making people sicker and sicker; over generations we are more and more due to develop after effects/react badly to it all. That is but one of them among so many. So whether it is truly related to this topic or just an additional consequence of our stupid lifestyles, is yet another theory that can’t be easily identified/proven.