Topic: Emotionless, careless, everything less tbh

Hi @JD1995

This forum is not really that active so if you want a bit of chat here you can. I am on autismforums.com and although alexithymia is known there, it is in the context of autism (where it is often - but not exclusively found).

As I read your post I am struck by the phrase "how do I fix it". For me, as an autistic person I have accepted alexi as part of how I am. It is not something that can be fixed as such. That may, of course, not be the case for you, but is my experience and perspective.

I recognise the aspect of thinking of what to say way after the meeting has ended or moved on to something else, and often realise what was going on way much later

Looks like we were born in the same year, our parents parenting style must have been the same. ?

Anyways, I was wishing their was more in this thread, because I feel this to my core. I want a strategy, skills, anything at this point to help me correct what has been done. ?

I recently discovered this term -- and it's so helpful to have words to describe this experience. I had some traumatic experiences, and have been trying my best to figure out the emotions thing, and why feedback on my emotional appearance didn't align even as a child (for example, I would get yelled at to "correct my attitude" or asked "why are you so angry" etc and I didn't think I was angry nor being disrespectful in those moments as a child).

As an adult, I've put effort into "studying" emotions. I think I've gotten better at recognizing I have emotions and feel them more these days, but they are still challenging and confusing. There are charts that have pictures of facial expressions (each face expresses a different emotion). I had a friend once tell me the chart and suggest that I practice making the faces in the chart photos (the friend said if you make the face, your body gives you the feeling, so then you can learn to label the feeling/body sensation based on the label from the chart). I'm not sure if that was super effective for me or not, but it was a start to at least recognizing which faces I had a harder time matching the correct label to because I literally couldn't tell, and being able to understand "disgust" and recognize that facial expression is important. What helped take this one step further was author/scientist Vanessa Van Edwards book "Captivate." She explains the basic facial expressions and how to recognize and distinguish them.

Studying that face chart to understand patterns of facial expressions and how they connect to emotions helped me, but one of the most helpful things, which I realize may not be readily available to everyone is to get yourself a best friend who really understands and regularly expresses their emotions. That's helped me the most. My best friend is a genius at expressing herself and her emotions, and she describes the situation that coincides with the emotion, and also has an analytical component to her descriptions that is so helpful because she highlights 'why' she feels whatever emotion her response is. Especially when the emotion is a social situation, she describes what her anticipated or desired response was from the other person, and what she felt as a result of the situation and that has been so incredibly helpful to me.

I think the next best "study strategy" solution is Youtube videos -- search keywords like "story time" because these videos tend to have a lot of explanation around social situations and emotions, and may give extra insights and clues for you if you relate to the situation being discussed. Another tip is to read the Youtube comments when you can (look for the long comments especially).

Another suggestion, since I've often wanted to better understand emotions as a way to connect more with others is to look into ways to be extra courteous. I've found learning more about being a good host, studying more about the 5 love languages, and generally getting a sense of what's out there is a good option.

Last bonus tip, I've often felt isolated, or like I didn't fully mesh with others who were kind and welcoming to me because I was focused on analyzing so much stuff going on in my head. Trying to "be in the moment" aka learning about "mindfulness" and looking for reasons why a particular social interaction is going well vs why I feel so awkward has also been really helpful. Look for "happy patterns" to train your brain to find data that boosts your self-confidence and belief in yourself as a valuable human just as you are.

Last, last bonus tip: seeing cute graphics that focus on self-care and encouragement has also helped, so I recommend this webcomic called: [chibird.com]

Best of luck!