29.12.2014 by Neato
Hi,
It's the early hours of the morning and I dont usually post on internet forums for advice. So, forgive the possible incoherence here. Any advice would be appreciated.
My boyfriend broke up with me recently, it has hurt a lot. But in our relationship, he displayed all the symptoms of alexi. I mean quite intensely. For example, processing of how he was feeling never happened. He looked like he would explode if he was asked to contribute any emotions or expressiveness to help me understand whether he cared or not. I mean this literally, he could not talk and had to lie down. He displayed physical signs of discomfort and almost fear, I guess. He told me at one point in time that he had physical symptoms because he simply could not express himself or know what he was feeling. When he did manage to, he often blamed me for everything or not being able to express himself. He viewed sex pretty mechanically, often showing some disgust at it or just indifference. He refused to acknowledge any problems other than with me, and refused to ever argue or fight - just avoid conflict. He is a negative person, always sort of unhappy with things when I asked him how something was and often just quite 'meh - neutral'. He distanced himself from his family and doesn't have many friends. He is unemotional and distant most of the time but I loved him nonetheless and accepted it - until I had to ask him to compromise for me, or be there for me in difficult times. He just found it too stressful to deal with me as an expressive person, he couldn't understand where I was coming from.
That was just the backstory - I have been searching for an understanding of what happened - blame on both parts. But for my part in the break up, I can see why I stressed him out. However, I've never been clingy - I just needed reassurance that the man I was moving country for would similarly compromise in the future, or manage to tell me he loved me sometime without it sounding painful coming from his mouth.
I come to my question now - I fear he has alexithymia. I had never encountered anyone who seemed like they were in physical pain when requested to show emotions beyond negativity or neutrality and would reply that he had no idea what his feelings were. He broke up with me and blamed all on me not reacting to his criticisms well and him never being enough. Some of that was warranted but I replied to tell him he was unemotional, detached, did not like anybody and told me he could possibly love me in the future, just if I improved myself (at one point), told me I was not attractive to him when I was unhappy (he was one cause of such unhappiness). He had his more affectionate moments but they weren't good enough and he was ultimately withdrawn. He was concerned with how things work more efficiently, and he tried to get me to improve to his image of a better person by criticising me, unconstructively - I ended up feeling like having any expectations of my boyfriend to reciprocate any expressions of love were hysterical and unfair (they were not). He had me all over the place, but because he could not handle conflict (he froze, physical symptoms), nothing was ever resolved and I would have to try to sort everything out in my own head.
Now, I am worried. I cut all contact with him, he broke up with me when all I expected was minimal reciprocation of care, love and emotional engagement. I told him to engage with his family and talk to his friends on a personal level - something he has never done with anybody apart from me, I am almost certain of this. I am scared for him, as much as I am upset about losing him. I sort of want to help him and suggest that he tests for alexithymia but I don't want to cause him any more stress or put this idea in his mind that he has this condition, when he may not have. I don't want my contacting him to seem cruel or vindictive - I'm genuinely worried and sad that, if he does have this, perhaps we could have taken the difficult decision to deal with it together. Now it is too late, but I want him to have fulfilling relationships with other people. The question is - does it sound like he might have alexithymia and should I take the step of re-establishing contact with a guy who dumped me, just to help him or will it cause him more harm than not?
Not sure if it is a real question. I don't know where else to ask. Thanks.