15.06.2015 by Bobby421
After discovering this recently, everything seems to make sense. If I rated my emotional feeling between 1-5 at any given moment I seem to float between 1-2. If any stimulus rises above this its like my brain tries to avoid this by several different ways.
1. Anxiety. If I concentrate on a feeling and try to raise the feeling, I notice my heart races and if I continue to raise it I begin to shake and get fearful.
2. Dissociate. I can discuss things on some level but have to remain in the anxiety state. I begin to disconnect from the emotion but can only get words out that seem cold and slow. I now notice their is no emotional inflection in my speech at this point.
3. Distraction. I now realize that my brain constantly will change my focus quite frequently. If I am thinking about anything emotional and begin to go above a 2 out of 5 then my brain says. "look at the squirell." Then just a few seconds like 2 pass and the level decresed then my thoughts return to my original emotion raising thought. It is like it tries to keep the levels down to avoid the anxiety. Happens while listening to others ALOT and while watching TV.
4. Kill Switch. Like learned helplessness. If things get too emotional and other options to decrease the emotion havent worked or the situation is too stressful, all emotion seems to shut down and in comes the numbness.
I didn't realize how this is a constant process my brain is undergoing in order to keep the levels of emotion fairly neutral. Like some others I know I feel strong emotions at times but am very fearful until it goes away.Usually I will shut down at some point. Example. I really dont like rollercoasters or heights. Yes I can go on them. I hit the kill switch first. The photos they take on the rides show me with the same expression as anyone would have waiting in a doctors office. I say wooo or whatever everyone else screams on coasters but it is only because I think thats what you are supposed to do. It sounds so fake though.
I love my wife very deeply. I know this and feel this. I cannot describe it though. Nothing really past I love you. I feel sorry and regret but cannot go past Im sorry but the words are shut down when I try to say why. While arguing or any emotional conversation I become very nervous and the words cannot form to express myself. I cannot reach for her or hold her when she is upset. My body will not move. I want to very badly but I can't. I think this is because her pain begins to increase my emotions too and all forms of expression both physical and emotional are completely shut down. The speech thing is very frustrating. It reminds me of watching stroke patients attempting to find the correct words and you just stumble if you try to actually speak. I cannot get anything to come out. The speech centers become blocked or shut down because believe me it is like my entire vocabulary is just not there. Nothing. So people think I just do not care.
I find everytime something emotional pops up it relates it to song lyrics constantly. I can relate that I feel the same way but cannot express if I wasnt quoting songs. Really weird. Or a metaphorical image will form. I havent tried to use the lyrics or images to communicate feelings to others. I am not sure if it is possible or will the words shut down. It would be nice to have a way to express feelings though. I see how it has ruined too many relationships and it isn't fair to the other people.
Thanks for listening