Empathy and altruism
09.11.2015 by kat3lbI keep getting 140 and more in the test, repeating it since about 5 years. I dont feel love, I dont understand my parents fears about me, I am not afraid of death, I love to be alone (get insane when deprived from the possibility to be alone), at the age of 33 I never have had a relationship, never felt sexually aroused, no emotions towards children (except of the situation when they are funny), not missing people when not seing them for long time....etc.
YET couple of friends tell me that I am the most empathic person they have ever met. Why is that?
My theory is that my catholic background, coupled with an innate desire to understand things and an analytical mind, let to a constant internal research of human beings and their feelings. I just wanted to understand, to be able to predict and to be able to aleviate peoples' feelings, when they go wrong (because then they stop talking about it and we can start talking somehting meaningful).
I feel auckward when people tell me that I am empathic; I dont think I am what they consider me to be. I just know what are the external symptomps attributed to some feelings and I know that some feelings are less comfortable than others. It had not allways been like that. I just cognitively learned to recognize SOME feelings of others. But I rarely can say that I ever had a feeling similar to what they are describing. Often, I feel like "why it is not ME having cancer/being abandoned by friend/having a dog died.... if it was me, I would have been able to cope better". And I have to say that often I catch myself thinking "omg how weak these people are".
So in fact, I am not empathic person. But apparently I act like one. I tend to be altruist as well, because I dont prefer acting towards my own wellbeing over acting towards wellbeing of others (e.g. I dont care if I go for a massage or go and help disabled person with cleaning - to me it brings the same 'enjoyment' or 'indiferrence'). So I do altruistic deeds because then usually someone tells me that this is right and I have at least external confirmation of a kind of sense in life...
to wrap up, I am considered an altruist and empathic person, but in fact, I am a kind of robot. I dont feel any immediate satisfaction after performing something considered altruistic.
Well, I hope in fact it doesnt matter what I think, (as long as I dont tell the people concerned, not to hurt them) it matters more what I actually do. I HOPE SO....
Re: Empathy and altruism
11.11.2015 by Artfunkel
I can relate to this. Why bother doing something for yourself when someone else would appreciate the same thing far more?
I take this further still by working on various software projects which are used by hundreds of thousands of people across the world. I struggle to book holidays because I know I won't be able to do anything as worthwhile as my work...I just travel somewhere and try not to think about how much of my time I'm wasting. :-/
Possibly related: I always used to hate it when my grandparents handed me money because I didn't really *want* anything. It just sat in my bank account. Thankfully it's become much easier to accept cash now that I'm an adult paying my own bills!
I absolutly relate to that
20.11.2015 by Happy13
I have high alexi traits according to the test and completely relate to that.
I sometimes act to accomodate others but i don't do it for the satisfaction of the act i just do it si then i don't have to talk to them and stay alone.
Sadly i am not able to percieve others emotions which seem normal since i don't actually get mine and never felt anything for anyone even my parents (even though i know i should). And strangely i am not intrested in sex (i never had any sort of relation with anyone) even when masturbating i don't feel anything.
It is probably an alexi thing :)
INTJ ENTJ
24.12.2015 by DXS
If you notice, most of us score INTJ or ENTJ on the Myer's Briggs. I think this explains the OP's question and comments about being analytical. I know I'm very analytical.
The empathic chestnut
04.02.2016 by CV
I can relate here also. I just had this pointless discussion, again with the therapist. They consistently interpret my behaviour as empathic. I have tried to explain it thus - over several years I have examined many religious, philosophical and moral systems. I am interested in ideas, and my behaviour is not a reflection of empathic feeling, it is a reflection of philosophical ethics. They try to tell me the fact that I am not violent to animals, for example, is proof I am capable of love. I tried to relate that I have no reason to harm animals, every reason not to given the consequences, and that the ethical system I respect has many valuable ideas around nonviolence that make perfect sense, whereas values embracing violence do not make sense. Thus, my response does not change, regardless of the actions of others, because it is not connected to emotions, it is connected to reason. I too act in a very peaceful, respectful way, but it's not because I have those feelings, it is because I have thought it through, measured it against other methods of behaviour, and decided this is the best way based on many factors.
I believe this sort of interpretation is more related to others' fear than our behaviour. They have to believe you are like them, and not this different, so they try to "prove" it.
NO KIDDING!
04.02.2016 by DXS
I believe this sort of interpretation is more related to others' fear than our behaviour. They have to believe you are like them, and not this different, so they try to "prove" it.
My mom is bad about this. I try to tell her what is going on with me, she sees it as "different" can't handle it so she reverts to "justifying" in a way that makes sense to her......
CV's explanation makes sense!
04.02.2016 by kat3lb
Indeed, the need of proving that you are the same as them, makes sense to me, especially when it comes to mothers.
Its probably hard to believe that someone can be driven just by logic. Actually I am a humanitarian worker now and some friends keep telling me that they have a deep respect for me because of my job.
I already learned, that there is no other way out than to say "thank you, your job is also very important". But inside I just think "Why respect? I do it because I like it and I like it because it makes sense. I am ok to admit that I do it for myself rather than for the beneficiaries... so why respect?"
And btw, DXS, my mother is exactly the same!
Empathy isn't the same as being a good listener...
13.04.2016 by janglydangly
I appreciate your confusion – I’ve had the same kind of thing said about me, and I’m scoring 144. I think people misuse the word “empathy” (as in “you instinctively understand how I feel in a given situation”) for “non-judgmentalism” (as in “you have no expectations about how I should feel, so listen to what I say”). Maybe that’s what is happening for you? To put it another way, you not knowing how the other person is feeling allows them to go through a process of explaining it to you, which is cathartic for them – maybe what they are really trying to say is that you’re a good listener?
