≡ Topic: I'm lost once again

I'm lost once again
18.03.2016 by ErebusZero

So at the beginning of this year I started seeing my ex again. We hadn't spoken to each other for a while. We broke up for various reasons, we just had a very weird relationship. We started talking, I ended up telling her about me having Alexithymia. Explained to her everything. She asked me once before what I want from our current situation, I kinda diverted the conversation not on purpose though. She asked me once again, this time I didn't have a proper reply, I just ed replied with I'm not sure and I don't know. I'm lost I don't know what I want. I like being around her, she puts me at ease and it's a nice change of pace. I ask myself various questions, like am I in love with her. I usually come to the conclusion that I probably am. I always think of her and her personal well being. If I feel like I did something wrong I get the feeling of pressure on my chest. If I'm worried about something involving her I get the same feeling. Sometimes when I think about her, I get this very nauseous feeling. I don't even know anymore about this whole situation. I don't want to raise my hopes and try to make anything happen and then it going down the drain. I have the longing feeling of wanting someone by my side, I think it must be nice to have someone that cares for you. But at the same time, I think how depriving it must be to the other person, when they know I won't be able to actually express my emotions, or when they know I may be showing an expression but at the end it was just an act I put up. It feels like a very irrational idea to put someone through that kind of circumstance. I've already pulled and act around this person once, and I couldn't meet their emotional needs. And also when I think, that I'll be getting all these weird irrational body sensations, I don't think I could handle trying to figure out what they might be. The sensations are very confusing and tiring. It's not like watching a sad movie, and tears coming down my eyes, and me being able to determine that I'm sad. They are so much more complicated. I don't know what to do I this situation.

So frustrating
21.03.2016 by FermiParadox

I relate to so much of this, thank you for sharing your experience. Something inside me drives to want a mate, even though I know I can't give them what they need, and it will just turn into a big painful mess (like it always does!) But I keep getting sucked into people's orbits. I think I'm addicted to love because it makes me feel alive, it makes me feel human. Yet I cannot keep up. I don't know if I fabricate all the feelings because I want them to be true so badly or they are real, true feelings, but I can only handle them for so long (a few months at the most.)

Regardless, I think the biggest problem for us, and most people, are expectations. If we have any expectations at all of what is going to happen or what we think should happen, we will be let down. We all have ideas of what love and relationships are supposed to be like (whether from personal experience or from what we've been taught over and over through movies and books,) but sometimes love is completely different and not what we expect. Sometimes the pattern or formula is different, but your needs are no less important that the other person's needs. They're just different needs.

Perhaps defining relationships as "open" can ease some of the tension off both parties. You both care for each other, you want her in your life, and can devote time to her when you feel you can. You may not be able to provide everything she needs, but you can provide some things. If this person can accept this and can appreciate what you CAN do, instead of what you CAN'T, that's someone to hang on to. Some people cannot handle this however, because it requires them to step away from their own ego. (Everyone has an ego, its not meant as an insult here.)