I feel you. In the same boat and don't really know what's what. The constant feeling of nonchalants sucks. Especially when there are people out there that care about us. They expect something out of us that they won't get. Which leads to losing friends, being alone and isolation. Your not alone in this trust me. I not sure how to help since I'm just as fucked as you but hey at least your not alone and that counts for something I hope lol
To misachan
26.12.2017 by Gluskin
I've had a few friends over the years and haven't been good with them most of the time, likewise for them thanks to the lack of understanding in our differences. it created lots of drama and really painful moments, the pain was mostly all theirs, but I did feel it too because being misunderstood 90% of the time is not something anyone tends to grow fond of.
I also don't miss them when they're not around, and responding to them (via internet or in real life) is mostly a pain rather than something I enjoy. And I know very well too that if they left, I wouldn't care. I come to came from time to time but I know it's nothing like they feel for me; which is why I'm often questioning whether I'm truly a ''monster'' or not. But I'm not, I'm just me.
Being Alexi and in a relationship/friendship with others; drama/hurt is inevitable. So there comes a time when you have to decide whether you want to remain alone or not, or just keep contact with friends from afar. It'll be easier for you, but yet again harder for them; there's always someone who loses, it seems.
Feeling guilty for not loving them 'properly' is a normal response. But trying to explain what you feel to them might help you/them to take a decision. If they are able to understand, and if they want to stick around once you've opened up.
Opening up is really hard, and explaining how it is you feel is even harder; especially when you don't even know where to begin with I your own damn head. But it might come with practice; just like it did me.
If you open up and you lose them, then so be it; you have to move on because if you are an Alexi; then you have that to look forward to the rest of your life. And to be being alone doesn't equal solitude or pain; but great freedom and peace at last. I can mind my own business, don't have to fake nor talk; and do all the hobbies I want.
I know how confusing it can get because one moment you may feel like you want to, perhaps, deepen a relationship with a certain someone; and it might last a couple of seconds/hour/weeks, etc. But then it changes back to “fuck it, I really don't give a damn whatsoever.” As far as I'm concerned, that emptiness is the true me and no matter how hard I try to socialize/fit in; and no matter if I think that I may be advancing.... it always comes back to that Void within myself.
You have to learn to live with it all.
New diagnosis
02.01.2018 by webbo
I think I have this. I’ve had a partner for 14 years and bows she’s had enough. She says I’m unemotional and uninterested in sex. This is true, but I really care about her, but I just can’t show it. I need help!
To webbo
02.01.2018 by Gluskin
Well you have to make choices.
1-Talk. Show her this forum/talk to her about who you think you are. Tell her that despite external appearances, that you do care about her. See where this will lead then.
2-Or, get a ''real'' diagnosis, seek professional help or therapy.
3-Broke up with her if she can't understand despite having tried ''step 1''; because if you really are an Alexie then things probably won't change, it's who you are. So you fake for the rest of your life in order to keep her with you (if she also wants this now knowing you are probably Alexie), or you let go.
