Has it happened to anyone that when someone hurts you emotionally - you just do not know how to react or even recognize the emotion and go in complete shutdown for days. Then only after few days, you can clearly think about what happened to you - but now it is too late to even react?
Angi, there are several threads and posts on your condition. I mentioned PTSD as a possible cause of delayed emotional responses, in General Information>My reactions come a week later. Another possibility; if you're unfamiliar with the emotion that is motivating somebody, it might take a few days to piece together an interaction you had with that person (it might seem like a delayed response).
I was brought-up in a household of predominantly girls ...and in our case the stereotype was true: my sisters were quite emotional (NTs). Often during sibling quarrels, things were brought up from months back in time. Things that were all OK then, but somehow with time a conclusion was reached making them not OK at all. So practically we underwent and worked through several 'shutdowns'. After listening to their 'what', 'why' and 'how', I got a better understanding of their way of reasoning and how they perceived things (words/actions); and vice verca.
As an adult, I try to analyse and draw benefit from those experiences. I share some applications (perhaps you might find it helpful).
I think that during a 'shutdown' it is important to look beyond the current interaction and focus on the relation with that someone. You self know/decide the value of that relation. You probably also have an idea of how much strain REASONABLY you, s/he, and the relation can endure.
1) At times a person might say something that hurts me. In that case, practice some patience, resolve if need be, and keep giving myself to the relation.
2) At times a person might not see the impact of their words/actions; or in high emotions they momentarily do not care about the consequences of their words/actions. In responce, I might say something that not only will hurt the person but also sever/damage our relation as well. Being silent might not be enough. My silent presence might provoke the other person to accelerate further and say/do something from which there is no turning back. In that case, I think it is better to withdraw myself (take a timeout) and then talk/respond to that person again AFTER the risk of harming has minimised.
Angi you should not "shutdown" yourself, you should respond in a true and honest way. Silence is a common feature of guilty people acting like provocateurs when they intend to distort the truth, silence is a means for hiding their true intentions. Those deplorable people also suffer from narcissism. For example, they think that they are the special ones of a kind and when their lies are revealed, they withdraw from conversation with a view to distorting the truth. So you avoid shutting down yourself.
Angi, Z and thoughts both implied (actually, I read Z's post as more like a statement) you have control over your shutdowns (thoughts implied you have control over your cognitive powers during a shutdown; Z's statement is more an implication that you are giving somebody the "cold shoulder"); I really doubt that. This is an Alexithymia forum, so most site members post in reference to Alexithymia. If you have Alexithymia (or a host of other conditions; e.g., autism) then you have no control over your shutdowns; they just happen.
There's a YouTube vlogger who said in one of her videos that before she was diagnosed with Asperger's, she thought she just had "quirks". The vlogger said that when her quirks happened she would ask herself why she was so weird. Angi, you didn't give a lot of details about yourself in your post (its your business, anyway), so it's possible that Z and thoughts are giving you good advice. However, if you haven't been diagnosed yet (by a psychologist, or even by in depth self-analysis) you could think you are just being "weird, like the YouTube vlogger, and wonder why you aren't actively solving your issues. I.e., it might be impossible for you to follow somebody's suggestions on this forum (or anywhere else).
Z and thoughts, I'm not putting down your posts. However, I looked up Angi in the members section; she is a new member and this is her first post (with one duplicate post, so it shows up as two posts). It's possible that Angi doesn't have a handle on her issues (e.g., she might have no idea why she has shutdowns) and read every post as applicable to her. I got the impression from Angi's post (and the fact that she just joined the site, and this is her first post) that she is still trying to figure out what her problems actually are. If I'm right then suggestions like yours might just confuse Angi.
As correctly stated, no personal information was stated to infer that OP meant autism-, or asperger- or PTSD- related shutdown. Due to this being an Alexithymia forum, an inference can be taken as an Alexithymia-related shutdown. It was left upto the reader to interpret the question as well as the term 'shutdown', perhaps to get a diversity in answers.
I related my experience, in which emotion-related shutdowns occured in NTs (siblings) and also in myself. I also shared how I handle it.
Z answered in accordance to his interpretation; so did Dave. Perhaps other members will join in with there take on it.
I hope you find your answer Angi !
As a narcissist patient would do, I just stated some facts and the conclusion - friendly urge to Angi to avoid shutdowns and being hurt.
However, a narcissist, who believes that she is unique because she is celibate, that she is preoccupied with illusions of her being able to build special relationships, that she is very important due to her minor achievements such as having good relationships with her dad while her mother does not even want to see her and that she is very smart because she takes advantage of people's needs to confirm her insecurity, she would definitely misuse empathy in order to relate her experience with any other person, because she requires admiration to confirm herself and to beautify her insecurities, as she cannot accept that the fact that her mother does not even speak with her is due to her being consciously a narcissist.
...but since we know nothing about Angi, then it's possible that she is NT (the way I interpreted Z's post). However, I found out years ago that when I make a suggestion, most NT people assume I'm stating an axiom of the Universe, and they take exception with "axioms" they disagree with. I'm not usually this "deep", or picky; maybe it's the new supplements I've been taking.
