"Basic" emotions. Oh dear ...
27.11.2016 by CVI had this experience recently - I was at a philosophy group who were discussing a topic that included the "basic universal emotions we all experience." Specifically, it was jealousy and envy. Apparently, every human experiences this, from babies to elderly. The therapist claims that even dogs experience jealousy, because their species has a strong cognition of justice, or fairness.
Not only did I have to have this explained to me, but I struggled to recall a time when I experienced this at all, and came up empty (no pun intended). The fellow I was speaking to in the group said he was jealous over the relationship between the woman he liked, and the fellow she was seeing. When he explained that his jealousy was centred around wanting what this other man had, I had to point out that that is absolutely impossible. Unless he was actually that other man, in that time and space, it is not possible to have what another man has.
Even if he were in a relationship with the lady in question, she would respond completely differently to him than she would this other man, he would mean different things to her than the other, and the feelings between them would be different. Thus, not what this other man has at all, even if he was with the same woman he covets. It does not make sense.
The therapist tells me it doesn't have to make sense, and that people are capable of subscribing to beliefs and emotions that, when examined, don't make any sense whatsoever. Apparently, this doesn't cancel out the emotion, which I really don't understand.
Many people here cottoned on to the alexithymia by the inability to feel love. But what about these other "basic" emotions? Like jealousy and envy? Hate? Fear? It gets confusing, as I know I am unfortunately able to feel low-grade irritation. That one gets through. But these other "universal basics"? Not at all. Which really did make me wonder if I'm an alien, if this experience is common to all humans except me. What emotions do other alexithymics feel, if at all? Or is it more a case of emotional confusion, unable to clearly perceive, understand, and relate them? I do wish this was consistent at least.
Never felt jealousy or envy and proud of it
28.11.2016 by kat3lb
I think there might be some consistency here, CV. I personally never felt jealous or envied anyone. There kind of feelings always seemed to me a bit useless, redundant, dysfunctional. (Unlike e.g. joy, which can give you a drive towards accomplishing something, or maybe sadness, which can push you to the bottom where you can find some opportunity - so I assume about the use of emotions, in those who are lucky to have them).
Some examples:
Since my childhood, I never ever was interested to win any kind of competition, have the best marks or accumulate achievements. I was enjoying the grey zone of averageness, occasionally disrupted by some accidents (such as the one when I won a competition in musical composition - I buried the diploma somewhere and never played the piece again). I was always so happy that I am not the one who have to stand up and collect the prize.
I never felt the desire to have toys and gadgets other kids used to have. Neither did I have the tendency to come with something which no one had. I just had what I had.
My first relationship (barely qualified to be named as relationship) ended up one morning when I found him with someone else. My first honest thought was "omg I am so relieved that he has such a beautiful girl, because this means I am out of question and don't have to feel so inappropriate in his presence anymore!". Later in the day, I was overwhelmed by outburst of cry, which I had to hide in the bathroom. It was probably sadness of the loss, but I never thought of that woman or compared her to myself.
I have now turned 34 without family, children, or any other evolutionary perspective. Practically all my friends already have families with children and happy marriages. I sometimes feel very sad because I see their happiness and don't understand the mechanism it is created (how can a crawling toddler create smile and kissing tendency in women? why do they say that this is the best period of their lives?) I am wondering if I can achieve the same level of happiness through some other pathway. And I am almost sure that if I arranged all the prerequisites they have (met loving partner, gave birth to children etc.) I would not be equally happy as they are. But I never ever felt something like envy, questioning myself - why they can have this kind of happiness and I cant? My question rather is "how will I make it through these boring flat days until I die?"
More importantly, lack of envy and jealousy is one of the rare things I really appreciate about my alexithymic self. Because I don't think these feelings are ever productive. People who act out of being motivated by either of them are usually very ridiculous, they get fixed to one nonsense (as described by CV) and loose their time by playing endless social games. Meanwhile, they miss opportunities to get something even better that they are foolishly aiming for.
So, I think we are cool , CV
