Topic: Sex and Love: Questions so we can Understand Each Other

Does sex, to me, have any emotional attachment?
Basic Answer: On its own, no. As an act, no.

Can you even imagine this feeling might be?
I genuinely can't imagine it. I guess... maybe a protective surge? Nope, can't imagine anything.

Do you feel any different towards your sex-partner before / after sex?
Basic Answer: No, my feelings towards them is based on their actions that day, plus all the rest. Unless it was really good sex, then I look upon them with... I was going to say also affection, but it's respect for someone being good at something. Like appreciating good craftsmanship.

Do you "make love", or just have sex?
I have occasionally tried to "make love" for the sake of the other person... which involved me getting so focused on trying to work out what "making love" actually was and faking it appropriately that I wasn't able to enjoy the actual sex.

How do you feel when someone tries to make sex emotional?
"Can we just both cum, enjoy the physical sensation, and continue on?"
I have no idea how to respond to someone trying to make it emotional. I guess I... lie there, trying to make appropriate expressions and sounds of agreement?


... Holy crap, I've had an epiphany.
Some people fake orgasm, I fake post-coital affection and emotions. It's a lot harder than faking orgasm.

"Alexi" answering:

• Does sex, to you, have any emotional attachment?

No

• If not, can you even imagine this feeling might be?

Slightly. From how it's described in romance novels I used to read as a teenager lol.

• Do you feel any different towards your sex-partner before / after sex?

Different only in one case: if I'm interested in the context of dating for a long term relationship and this is our first time having sex. The difference is then that I feel we have finally had physical intimacy and that is physically different to me - I just feel "bonded" sexually, but this isn't like full emotional love. It just means, I'm physically connected, in a sense. More involved than if I was just having intellectual discussions with the partner and no sex. I will be looking forward to meeting them and having sex again. I will be much much more comfortable being around the person, actually.

If it's "casual sex", outside the context of a longer term relationship (or dating with the purpose of hopefully building a longer term relationship), then no such thing at all, no "bond" whatsoever. I can just get up from bed and leave and feel nothing different from the usual.

Let me know if you need more elaboration on what this "physical connection" means.

• Do you "make love", or just have sex?

Sex.

• How do you feel when someone tries to make sex emotional?

In the context of "casual sex": slightly annoying, and I just don't react to it, I keep my wall "up".

In the context of a relationship: I don't know. I never noticed anyone trying to do that with me when in a relationship. Maybe this is weird... I don't know why this is. Do the people I've been in a relationship with really don't try to express any feelings while having sex or I just don't notice? Even stronger wall up??? Damn, you REALLY got me wondering here.

• Have you ever had 'casual' sex? With a sex worker, or just a friend for fun? Did this differ from sex with a partner, and if so, how?

Yeah, I think it should be obvious from the previous answers. :) I had it with acquaintances, or people I never really saw before. I don't have to go to a sex worker to get sex as a woman lol.

Tried "FWB" too, but it really has to be with strong boundaries set - NO mixing of sex and anything else: in each moment, the friend is either completely a friend (and I will not confide in them fully ever about more private things including those few little feelings that I do have) OR a sexual partner. I haven't tried it without these strict boundaries but I have a gut sense of how it would not be good at all.



And I don't understand what's baffling to you about this topic. "Non-alexies" wanting emotional sex doesn't mean they have "emotional masturbation". How did you even try to connect the two here in this context, sex and masturbation? That's weird to me.

And, the other question, sex isn't simply mutual masturbation, no. It's, as I said in the other thread, just a lot more interesting. There is more visual stimulation, there is more action. To me just the whole thing is more involved (not emotionally in that touchy-feely way, just physically), can't even compare it to masturbation.

If you view sex as just mutual masturbation, why do you even bother seeking out someone to have sex with? Surely there is a reason for you to be willing to have sex with all the drawbacks of having to have a towel and whatnot. Think about that reason. :)

PS: Why do you try and fake emotions or orgasms? I don't fake either. What's the point?

• Does sex, to you, have any emotional attachment?

Yes, I count passion, lust, even fun or exhilerating 'feeling physically fulfiled' as emotions.

• Can you even imagine sex NOT having an emotional layer to it?

No, because of the above. Sex without feeling/emotions instinctively describes like a mechanical (robotic) process to me.

• HOW do you feel different towards your sex-partner before / after sex?

Actually, not that different most of the times (on the rare occassion we have it).

• Is masturbation emotionally charged for you?

Haven't masturbated in years, before I met my partner (or during sex when dating which he liked). Felt sexy and need for desire as fantasised, if you these count these as emotions? (I do).

• Is there a difference between "making love" and having sex?

Yes,ideally a longterm partner should be interested in both. I would settle for having sex but there needs to be desire, passion or lust, otherwise how is this enjoyable?

• How do you feel when someone doesn't make sex emotional?

Rejected (big time). Frustrated. Lonely.

• Have you ever had 'casual' sex? With a sex worker, or just a friend for fun? Did this differ from sex with a partner, and if so, how?

Yes I had a couple of one night stands before I met my partner. For me, they were fun, desire-driven and detached.

I actually thought my now husband would be a one night stand - it felt like one, that night. But he turned up the next day (and kept coming back for more etc). I wasn't sure if we were in a relationship for about 6months and fair to say I felt this a longtime before he did.

Btw, I fake both orgasms and most of the time the after sex bit (unless it's really good).

"Yes, I count passion, lust, even fun or exhilerating 'feeling physically fulfiled' as emotions."

I don't think those are about emotional attachment per se. Which is what the question was asking about.

Physical lust is of course not "robotic" but it's just dopamine or something like that. Or put in another way, a robot just comes with logic, no real body and that makes the difference here.

This physical side of lust does come with strong arousal which is what can make it an affect as experienced, so it's emotion in that sense, but it's not emotional attachment. I actually have a hard time calling it a real emotion beyond that arousal. But then I score as alexithymic in the test so that may be part of why I have this view of it.

All I see about it really is the arousal of the desire for the physical act and for some sort of enjoyment with it. I can see how there could be an additional emotional element for the desire and that's probably what you called passion, but I don't have that by default.

I could also draw a parallel between the sexual act and plain masturbation in the sense that to me both are about the physical desire for the sexual release. Otherwise I do find actual sex way more fulfilling than masturbation because it has more dimensions for real stimulation. But that's the only difference by default.


Did I describe this clearly enough? Let me know. And, how do you interpret "passion" in this context? Say more on this.

Then, where you say your one-night stands were fun, desire-driven and detached... does that mean "detached" excludes "passion" for you? Since you didn't list that element there.


"Felt sexy and need for desire as fantasised, if you these count these as emotions? (I do)."

Yes, I'd probably classify those as emotions beyond the purely physical aspect of sex if I didn't misunderstand you.


"How do you feel when someone doesn't make sex emotional?"

You say you feel rejected. What do they not do when they don't make sex emotional? Can you describe this a bit more?

Thanks.

When you say 'emotional attachment' I conjure love. Otherwise, I associate emotion to be any experience of feeling or state of mind, hence passion is included. It's not a feeling of attachment yet a strong emotion. I would count physical lust too because it's in the mind as much as the body, hard to separate. Hence, when I say my partner is void of passion or lust, it's because I detect it may be in his body but not in the mind. For me, that is merely a biological process of releasing chemicals.

I would expect the minds to 'connect' (at climax at least), whether it's a one night stand or a 16 yr relationship. I don't experience that with my husband, when we started dating and early on I did, in the form of lust/desire more often than intimate love. I detect it is a bodily process rather than a state of mind for him. That is unsatisfying and makes me feel dejected.

I associate 'passion' with strong desire, in any context. My husband does not feel passionate about anything, opinionated about one or two things but not passionate. Not about even the training. He'll do it, do the marathon, trek or whatever and then lose interest/stop. He won't refer much to it ever again, not unless I/someone raises it.

So one can be emotionally detached yet passionate. Though my partner is not even that.

OK I understand it better now as to what you meant. I'm still very curious as to how you detect it's just a bodily process for him. Are you able to say more on that? Let me know.

As for the lack of passion... if he will do hard training for the marathon, it should count as passion, even if he doesn't often feel it explicitly. But what else would it be in your opinion, what else would drive him to do it?

Isn't it possible he just doesn't have the emotion activated in the face for him and for anyone else to see it? Just buried somewhere and not activated fully for 99% of the time, especially not if left to his own devices.

Male, married, brazilian, 27 y.o.

To Alexies:
• Does sex, to you, have any emotional attachment?
No, never had

• If not, can you even imagine this feeling might be?
I cant imagine.

• Do you feel any different towards your sex-partner before / after sex?
Never thought about that.

• Do you "make love", or just have sex?
Have sex. How its possible to make love? :D

• How do you feel when someone tries to make sex emotional?
I think its very weird.

• Have you ever had 'casual' sex? With a sex worker, or just a friend for fun? Did this differ from sex with a partner, and if so, how?
Yes, frequently, with friends and sex workers.