21.07.2017 by Mika138
Hi
I'm 15 years old and I got 136 on the test.
I am going to try and be as honest as I can, even though i don't know if it'll go that way. Well, I'm going to try and describe myself and my situation as hard as I can.
(wow this is hard) Ok, the reason I'm here is because recently I was talking with my mom about how I was going to meet my dad which I haven't seen in months since he now lives in another country, and In that conversation my mom was asking me if wasn't happy and excited about seeing a new country and reuniting with my dad, to which I responded I was indifferent, but she thought I was just repressing my feelings and continued to say that if it was her she'd be excited to see a new country. She proceeded to hug me and cry about how she was going to be alone in the house for 2 weeks without me, I just patted her back awkwardly. What was the problem of being alone? It's not like I'm dying, I'm coming back in 2 weeks. That made me think if that was what I was supposed to be feeling. After that I realized I never actually missed someone.
When my dad abandoned our cat in the middle of nowhere ( I was in school when he did it) I didn't feel anything and I remember writing about it on my diary, how I didn't know why I wasn't feeling any sadness or missing her, and I knew that was a horrible thing to do to an animal and I was supposed to be feeling really bad, I did feel a bit bad, but it was because I wasn't feeling any of that. And I really like cast I guess. But I just ended up not thinking much about it.
Or at my middle school graduation, one of my friends started crying when she hugged me, saying that she would miss me and the others and I just felt awkward, not knowing what to say and just hugged her tightly like she was doing, I wasn't feeling anything really, just thinking if I was supposed to be like that too, I wasn't feeling let down to see all those people get separated from me and going to different paths, I was just like "Bye I guess", I mean it's not like someone died and we can't get in contact ever again, so why were they being like that? I don't get it. And I just ended not thinking too much about it too.
And well, there's my father topic too. Before he went away, he and my mom bought me a giant teddy bear for Christmas and gave it to me earlier since he was going before the holiday. It's not like i ever thought or dreamed of having a giant teddy bear (maybe I did when I was child, I think?) but when they gave it to me I cried a little, I think it was because I was happy. I never cried when people offered me things, even the ones I really wanted. Anyways my parents thought I was crying because of my fathers departure, since it was only days away. I told them the truth, but I think they continued thinking the same.
Well, the day for my father's departure finally came, the goodbye for me was really awkward since I knew he was expecting some kind of emotional response from me, which I didn't give but I tried,and I think that let him under the impression I didn't really care about him. It's not like I don't care about him, It's just... I don't know. And it's the same with everyone.
I actually consider myself a pretty emotional person I do cry a lot because of series I guess, and when I was a kid I cried a lot too when the baby birds that had fell from their nest died while I was trying to nurse them back to health. I think I can feel the majority of emotions, even though I sometimes don't know how to identify them.
Well either way, I don't like hearing people complain about their problems and concerns and expecting me to understand their feelings and give them advice on what to do, but even so I try my best to tell them what they want to hear, or what I think they want to hear. Because I don't want them to think I'm cold and that I don't care, even though I really don't.
Oh, also, when It comes to people, I can't stay "interested" in them for very long, even when it comes to close friends. I loose that "interest" in them in days, sometimes weeks and in rare cases, months or a year. I can't really explain it, it's like suddenly I don't care about them anymore and that makes my chest feel tight, which I assume it's sadness or anger for being like that. And not being able get that "interest" back, but then I get used to it.
But anyways, tomorrow I will finally travel and see my dad, like I said before I am not excited or miss him but I know I'll have to act it up so I don't make him sad. It is definitely going to be awkward.
Btw, he was always the one who contacted me first, because honestly if he didn't I wouldn't. Thinking better, I would, not to make him sad, but I wouldn't care, I would just ask to make him happy. And this makes me feel bad.
But even though I can't have these feelings properly, I think the rest of my emotions are fine? I really don't know.
I also don't know if I conveyed this well enough.