Topic: learned alexithymia?

hi,

i got a question for you all.
2-3 years now ago several family members passed away. to this day i have never felt any kind of sorrow although i was close to all of them. seeing how other members of my family dealt with this situation, i am wondering whats wrong with me.
growing up was a bit rough for me (ugly divorce, bit neglected, yada yada) so i think i have developed a strategy in my life to overcome certain obstacles.
i can only describe it as some kind of volume control towards feelings. if a situation gets unbearable it's like an intellectual soldier takes over, tells me what to do and i am not bound to any feelings anymore. i can only leave this non emotional state when i am alone.
i can tune down all emotions and i am not sure if this is my brain taking over or my natural state. if that makes sense to you.
i have been in this situation for as long as i can remember.
now i am in fear, i have learned to interpret feelings in other people as a child (rough childhood) to always show the right reaction without being able to feel anything. faking my whole life to blend in. like in the movie matrix. everything is a simulation and just in my brain.

is there someone here who can relate to this and would like to talk about it? talking might lead to understanding which would help me a great deal in bearing with my situation.

sorry for my english, obviously i am not a native speaker.