Topic: Confused

Hi!

I'm wondering for a while now that what I experience is alexithymia.

In normal real life situations I rarely experience emotions. In conversations I often have to simulate emotions in order to don't look like apathic as hell. I never look really forward to things. Yesterday I visited the casino with some friends and when I won quite some money I didn't feel a thing. I can't miss people, I don't feel an emotional connection or attachment. Most of the time I'm empty and at times I can get irritated.

My 'problem' is that I am confused because that while I lack emotions in general, I can have strong reactions at certain situations. When I read a beautiful story, hear music or see a movie/television series I can react quite strongly. When I watch a sad story like Million Dollar Baby I can cry for minutes and feel a sensation in my chest I would identify as sadness. When I look at The Voice and I really like a performance my voice cracks, I get tears in my eyes and I can get goosebumps and feel my spine. When listening to songs I can emotions I never or very rarely experience otherwise, emotions like optimism, sadness, excited, powerful, motivated etc.

I've never really had a drive or ambitions. I don't really have passions or things that motivate me. I would identify me living my life most of the time feeling empty. But when I was in a relationship I experienced infatuation very strongly, the idea of she being with someone other than my could evoke strong feelings. We're split up now and while I don't feel I miss her I think about her a lot and when certain things remind me of her and I very consciously think about it I and I start to cry but still feel empty. I can never really cry very intense, it's alwqys crying while feeling empyy.

Does any of this makes sense? Are people experiencing the same?