02.02.2018 by Derpman
hello, it has recently come to my attention (through friends) that i may be suffering from Alexi.
in my earlier childhood i was a joyful and energetic kid that had a large group of friends, but myself and current friends have noticed that as ive gotten older (now a senior in HS and turning 18 later this year) that ive gotten more disconnected and "stoic".Over the years it has gotten harder for me to express myself and its hurting my school work (particularlly my english classes). before my friends had always said that i was sorta heartless and made jokes at the wrong time and its mostly true, but it wasnt until recently that i thought alexi may be the cause. over christmas break i found out a good friend of mine has severe depression and in the recent weeks we've gotten alot closer and we're thinking of getting in an relationship but we both know we arent quite ready for it.
it all started about 4 weeks ago near the beginning of january, we had become good friends and we played games together and talked over discord nearly everyday and when she would feel depressed i tried to commfort her but i never really knew how, it would take me almost 30mins to an hour trying to think of a response that would comfort her and not hurt her more, but it was difficult because i knew she was depressed but i didnt know how to make her feel happy because i didnt know what happy was. and a few days into january she had been talking alot about how she "couldnt take it anymore" that "the world has been cruel to me and i just cant go on" and i had begun feeling stressed and nervous because she was like this alot and while i was trying to think about what to do i see her completely get offf discord and steam and i panicked thinking she had gone and killed herself. i began having a panic attack and hyperventilating for about half an hour before i saw her get back on. because of this we've gotten really close and i recently found out she had a crush on me which sparked something deep inside me, like genuine happiness and love for someone for the first time in years.
but even with this its been hard for me because i want to help and comfort her but it just seems like she doesnt understand what im going through, about how hard it is for me to express emotion and how hard it is for me to understand her emotions. it feels like she thinks i dont care just because im not expressing emotions. sometimes i can express certian emotions like happiness or sadness but other times i just cant explain what im feeling.
i hope yall can understand what im trying to get at and im open to responses