03.04.2018 by Harrie
Hi Everyone
I have recently started to think I may have this condition (I didn't know it was really a thing until recently.)
As a bit of background, I had some trauma as a baby/young child, and other trauma (kind of related) over the years until I was in my late 20s. I was diagnosed bipolar but my psychiatrist & therapist both agreed that's wrong (and took it off my record) and that I have PTSD instead. Which makes a lot more sense to me as well.
Even my "bipolar" was never really emotional. I just get massive attacks of unexpressable rage where I lash out, but it's not something I feel so much as something triggered by trauma (like a flashback.)
Anyway, I've always struggled with emotional ideas - I see other people "feel" things and can't compute it, I literally have no idea what they're talking about, other than on the abstract level of "this thing is something that that society says exists and calls [insert emotion here.]" Of course, I don't tell people around me about this because even though I don't get it, I do get that everyone else does and it'd be kind of mean to dismiss their experiences - I may not feel things but I'm not nasty.
I can enjoy stuff, but in a limited way. It's nice when my team wins or a tv show makes me laugh or I get a good result on a project, that kind of thing. But I wouldn't call it happy, more like... I can't even say what it is.
I can't deal with other people's emotions. If a friend has emotional trouble, I pretend to listen and make all the right noises but I just can't get my head around it. It doesn't compute for me why these things might be an issue.
I don't understand the idea of "lonely" - I hang out with friends sometimes (usually doing analytical stuff like discussing politics or doing trivia) but about 90% of the time, I'm alone. I like it better that way. People ask if I'm lonely and I just think "what even is that?"
Also I'm asexual. I did a lot of sleeping around when I was younger, because I felt there was something wrong if I didn't enjoy it so I must need to keep trying. Wrong. It did a lot of damage to me. I'm much better off just avoiding it.
I really don't get on with my family - I spend most of my time rolling my eyes at my parents, one brother I get along with but more like a friend, and the other I've spoken to maybe 8 times in 5-7 years.
Oh, I did the test, I scored 161...
Anyway, after that long waffle... hello.